2004-04-04 - 2:21 p.m.

Try and reign in your collective disbelief here, but I was in the pub yesterday, just having a late afternoon, pre-going out eye-opener. Me and a young man I see socially were sat at the bar, the tables having been taken up with the usual crowd of braying students and cackling maniacal crones, presumably in for some kind of routine exorcism ceremony.

Anyway, having a bird�s-eye view of the bar and its vast array of shiny-packeted, carbohydrate-based foods, I was reminded of a great British (?) custom that has apparently survived intact for at least the last few decades: namely, the nut-covered saucy lady. If you�re unfamiliar with the breed, you�re leading a sheltered life. Pub nuts are stored in rows across bits of cardboard, covering various bits of what looks tantalisingly like a blonde woman in lingerie. As the nuts are bought, a bit more of the alluring snack siren is revealed, the theory being that enthusiastic consumption of the salty goods is rewarded with an unfettered view of the pouting dolly-bird. You�d have to buy about thirty packets of nuts if you wanted her true glory to be revealed at a stroke, too big an investment for a public glimpse of a vaguely pretty woman who, and let�s face facts here, hasn�t even got her top off. But presumably you could buy a couple of packets a night over the course of a few weeks, and engage yourself in some kind of elongated striptease routine, the timeless art of seduction working its magic over the honey roasted pistachios.

I wonder how the idea first came about. I picture a boardroom full of sweaty executives, wondering how they can shift a few more consignments of unsalted cashews, when one of them shouts out: �I know! Let�s put some tarted-up bimbo on the back of the cards! The gormless punters will be so keen to catch a glimpse of frilly underwear that they�ll be buying endless packets without even realising it!�

It�s genius.

And you can only guess at the dizzying highs that must be involved in going out with one of the models. �What does your girlfriend do?� �Oh, Tracy? She slowly reveals her semi-clad body as drunken louts order bar snacks and packets of Monkey Nuts are plucked from on top of her.�

Life just doesn�t get much better than that.