2004-03-26 - 4:46 p.m.

The astonishing success of the international campaign True Love Fakes (slogan: �People watching from the front two rows may get wet!�) has caught the attention of many confused and vulnerable teenagers looking for a way forward in this topsy-turvy world. What the dribbling morons should realise is that if the world is topsy�turvy, then they should really be looking for a way BACKWARDS. Here are just a couple of the letters that they managed to write despite their obvious mental deficiencies:

Dear TLF, I'm a 16-year-old Christian girl and am very involved in my church. I always planned on waiting until marriage to have sex, but got in with the wrong crowd and started doing some things I knew were wrong. When my boyfriend found out I was pregnant, he dropped me like a hot potato. Will you pray for me? Thanks, Jackie

My poor misguided child. People no longer drop hot potatoes. They come in a variety of modern, heat resistant packaging. The only way they could be dropped would be if you were physically disabled, or a communist. But since you�re clearly from some kind of picknose cultural backwater where being raised by racoons is considered social mobility, let�s address the point at hand.

It�s scientific fact that no-one ever got pregnant from great sex. It�s always the regrettable, seedy, frankly amateurish bouts of nookie that result in mewling cabbages nine months down the line. Make your pledge to True Love Fakes today, and all sex can appear to be great sex. You don�t end up with a soul-destroying five-strong brood and a crack habit, and your lady nethers stay honeymoon fresh right up to the big day! Seems too simple? You probably misunderstood. Apply now for our pledge card and single-syllable supplement.

When I signed my True Love Fakes card, I thought, "How difficult could this really be?" That was 2 years ago when I was 14. Now that I have a girlfriend, I have since realized that it's not so easy to stick with my commitment. Can you give me any tips about how to avoid temptation and make the right decisions about sexual activity? Patrick

Yeah, it�s all very well when you�re a greasy, glue-sniffing 14 year old with no social skills and advanced acne for a friend. Anyone can fake into a hollowed out citrus fruit every night. But now the miracle has happened and some alleged female has consented to your romping wantonly through her blossoming ladyland. All you have to remember is that sex is like a football game - it�s always best when watched by old men in striped shirts waving flags. Let�s be realistic here, �Patrick� � the kind of girl you have a chance with is not going to be good in bed. But by staying faithful to your True Love Fakes pledges, you can at least keep her mentally stable enough not to be necking lithium until she�s well out of the house. If you need assistance producing liquid proof of complete satisfaction, our Official TLF Special Effects Kit is available straight from our HQ.

True Love Fakes. Because lying to your loved ones is only bad if they don�t believe you.