2004-02-26 - 3:06 p.m.

So yeah I feel GREAT today, if by �great� you mean �like several kinds of particularly unsavoury monkey ass�. Do you think being in a bar and inhaling alcohol fumes on Wednesday night is a bad sign? I�m really not sure, you know. Letting the Drambuie-fuelled good times roll were (and I�ve got a hangover the size and consistency of a sumo�s jockstrap, so don�t expect fancy links here) your fave D-Land liggers, so thanks to JennyJ, Unhappyboy, Buck88, Kittytastic, Girsldontcry and Pollymagoo for keeping me in the hangovers to which I�m becoming worryingly accustomed. The evening ended with all kinds of playground jiggery-pokery, including Polly�s thumb wars and Buck88 showing himself to be quite the slapper. My hands! My beautiful hands! Now they are naught but withered and bloody stumps, and have joined the long list of my useless appendages. I was never any good at �raps� when I was seven, and it�s reassuring to know that I�m still completely awful. Heady times.

And speaking of genius comedians who died too young, please remember that today is the 10th anniversary of the death of the man who told the truth about America, Bill Hicks. If there was ever a time we needed him, it�s now. If you don�t know him, you could do worse than to go and discover him. RIP Bill.

�A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a rifle pendant.�

�If you don't believe drugs have done good things for us, then go home and burn all your records, all your tapes, and all your CDs because every one of those artists who have made brilliant music and enhanced your lives? RrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrEAL fucking high on drugs. The Beatles were so fucking high they let Ringo sing a few songs.�

�Childbirth is no more a miracle then eating food and a turd coming out of your ass.�

�We gotta come to some new ideas about life folks ok? I'm not being blase about abortion, it might be a real issue, it might not, doesn't matter to me. What matters is that if you believe in the sanctity of life then you believe it for life of all ages. That's what I hate about this child-worship syndrome going on. "Save the children! They're killing children! How many children were at Waco? They're killing children!" What does that mean? They reach a certain age and they're off your fucking love-list? Fuck your children, if that's the way you think then fuck you too. You either love all people of all ages or you shut the fuck up.�

�I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: "Hey, whatchoo readin' for?" Isn't that the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I readING, but what am I reading *for*? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I dunno... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one is so I don't end up being a fucking waffle waitress.�

�I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight. Guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.�

�You ever noticed how people who believe in Creationism look really unevolved? You ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked he rushed it.�

�By the way, if anyone here is in advertising or marketing, kill yourself. Thank you, thank you. Just a little thought. I'm just trying to plant seeds. Maybe one day they'll take root. I don't know. You try. You do what you can. Kill yourselves. Seriously though, if you are, do. No really, there's no rationalisation for what you do, and you are Satan's little helpers, OK? Kill yourselves, seriously. You're the ruiner of all things good. Seriously, no, this is not a joke. "There's gonna be a joke coming..." There's no fucking joke coming, you are Satan's spawn, filling the world with bile and garbage, you are fucked and you are fucking us, kill yourselves, it's the only way to save your fucking soul. Kill yourself, kill yourself, kill yourself now. Now, back to the show. I know what they�re saying, too. "You know what Bill's doing now, he's going for the righteous indignation dollar, that's a big dollar, a lot of people are feeling that indignation, we've done research, huge market. He's doing a good thing." Godammit, I'm not doing that, you scumbags, quit putting a godamn dollar sign on every fucking thing on this planet!�

�Go back to bed, America, your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed America, your goverment is in control. Here, here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up, go back to bed America, here is American Gladiators, here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate yourself on the living in the land of freedom. Here you go America - You are free! To do what well tell you! You are free! To do what we tell you!�

�The world is like a ride in an amusement park. And when you choose to go on it you think it's real because that's how powerful our minds are. And the ride goes up and down and round and round. It has thrills and chills and it's very brightly coloured and it's very loud and it's fun, for a while. Some people have been on the ride for a long time and they begin to question: "Is this real, or is this just a ride?" And other people have remembered, and they come back to us, they say, "Hey, don't worry, don't be afraid, ever, because this is just a ride." And that's what you should remember. it's just a ride."