2004-02-24 - 2:38 p.m.

As you can imagine, here at the classified ads paper, there�s a whole deluge of stuff that, and try to suspend your goggly-eyed disbelief here, isn�t what it says it is. Shocking, I know, that people would try to sell fake goods, but like the man said, humans are a just virus with shoes.

Most of these goods, which fall into the general arena of �iffy at best�, are items of obscure memorabilia, as most celebrities have a ready made market of dweebs willing to hand out top dollar for just about any old cack that they may have sneezed on during their lifetime. So up crops an ad for Elvis� bellybutton fluff, or John Lennon�s left eyebrow, or a crisp packet that Tony Danza dropped in Central Park. You name it.

Now, to the observant and sane among us, they are obviously nothing of the sort. They are, to borrow a phrase, just a big bowl of wrong. They are, in fact, bits of crap that were lying around the stinking hovels of the sellers in question. However, in an effort to appear trustworthy, as opposed to, say, the stinking duplicitous cockfarmers they really are, they always put �accompanied by certificate of authenticity�.

Well, chafe my undercarriage and mix me a disbelief cocktail, doesn�t THAT change everything? A CERTIFICATE, you say? Well, it must be true because there is no way on God�s perky earth that anyone would try to palm off the least convincing celebrity souvenir since Moses� jockstrap by FAKING A CERTIFICATE as well! Who are these people dishing out these certificates? Where exactly do I GO to get my collection of Henry Winkler earwax verified for authenticity? Because I really want to get those chequebooks going crazy down at the Happy Days Inner Ear Deposits Appreciation Society.

What? You mean I could just write one up myself with a fancy pen and a clip frame? Well. who woulda thunk it?

Still, to the true fan, perhaps simply believing that the coke bottle full of tap water is in fact a litre of MC Hammer�s cold salt tears is enough in itself. If you�ll pardon me, I have to go make a call about someone looking to sell on the real Free Willy. No, it�s kosher. How can you possibly fake a killer whale?