2004-02-23 - 3:36 p.m.

wakawakawakaGULP. Going really, smashingly well today, and I�ve only had the three right royal bollockings at work, which is SO unfair as I only really deserved about two of them. Added to my private humiliation was the frothing gobful of misplaced venom I caught from some mouthy gurnstress in the supermarket at lunchtime. I spied an opening at one of the less intimidating checkouts and steamed in with my salad and soup (spot the nerdy, goody-trousers Monday detoxer boy). My goods were almost being whisked through the electronic point of sale when some bellowing hurdy-gurdy indicated someone behind wasn�t happy with the placement of my savoury perishables ahead of hers. To cut a long story short, she thought I had jumped some kind of subsidiary queue that just LOOKED like it was in line for a totally different till (the one with the surly Chinese woman who always tuts when I pay by card, unless that�s some obscure Oriental expression of extreme elation, in which case I take it back). To cut a long story short, I was chivvied back, despite my slight moral advantage � i.e. the support of all that is right and sane in this world. In the face of a thousand stony-faced disapproval-jockeys, I had little choice but to wander back like a wilted carrot, and take my place behind some swarthy Russians, who were cashing in their lifelong collection of one pee pieces on a job lot of individually priced liqueur chocolates. How chronic. Still, I�m hoping get home with some of my dignity intact, and I should be OK unless, say, I pass my parents having public sex in a window as part of a controversial art installation and I soil myself with liquid shame. Can I please start this week again?