2004-02-20 - 4:35 p.m.

Given yesterday�s proverbials, I�m surprised that you pop cultcha bottom-feeders didn�t come back with Mr Jellineck�s variation on that very theme from Strangers With Candy:

�If wishes and buts were clusters of nuts, we'd all have a bowl of granola!"

I�m indebted to the Marquis de Deja Du for introducing me to SWC whilst I was taking alcoholic sanctuary in his resplendent Chateaux. For those who don�t know, it�s the funniest show ever invented ever, and it stars Amy Sedaris, little, or possibly big sister of the equally snot-flyingly funny writer, David Sedaris. She plays a rancid ex-junky, ex-prostitute runaway who goes back to high school at 46. It�s funnier than I could ever possibly describe it, and she gets to say lines such as �I cried when I had no shoes. Until I met a man who had no feet. Then I laughed. REALLY hard.�

This morning I nursed a hangover the size and consistency of a used maxi-pad. The night had been spent watching a friend�s band in London�s not very trendy at all Oxford Street, an activity which apparently required me to hoof down overpriced cans of German lager like it was going out of fashion (as if it ever could). Not the ideal precursor to a hard day�s fag at the office, but traumatic scenarios were averted by heading to the rib restaurant for lunch and soaking up some barbecue sauce flavoured culinary therapy. You can�t beat sticky meat for a thumping head, as my old gran used to say.

Now I�m feeling tip top, which is important, because, in the words of Ms Sedaris, �How many of you wanna wake up in a public bathroom, lying in a pool of what you HOPE is your own filth?�