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2003-12-17 - 2:38 p.m.

My initial impression of Microserfs is that it�s like an early Brett Easton Ellis book but with all the sex and drugs replaced by people doing computer coding. �Less Than 0101010101�, if you will.

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I�d like to throw my hat into the debate that is at the forefront of all our minds over this holy and festive period � that of whether or not it would be cool to have a feral girl or boyfriend.

Obviously there are many pros and cons to be considered, but after having carefully sifted the evidence and literally minutes of serious thought, I think I�m quite taken with the idea.

First of all, imagine the novelty value and instant celebrity afforded to the partner of someone that grew up in the unforgiving wilderness, was suckled by woodland animals and did all their pooing in the open air. What nightclub wouldn�t have you on its guestlist? What bar wouldn�t be proud to have you as a customer? And what restaurant wouldn�t reserve its very finest table for your dining pleasure, or at least one out the back near the refuse disposal units, where their unsavoury eating habits could be shielded from the civilised world.

They would be the untamed darlings of the dinner party circuit, and an endless conversation piece - obviously not as participants, their bestial intelligence not able to cope with even the most rudimentary of linguistic tasks. But I imagine them to be loyal (to anyone with a ready supply of seasoned raw meat) and, being in possession of their own set of opposable thumbs, requiring a minimum of grooming.

And far be it from a gentleman to bring up the activities of the boudoir, but you�d be fairly certain that lupine inhibition would be a fairly strong motif, wouldn�t you?

Abstract thought, walking upright, ripping apart rotting carcasses with bare hands and a complete absence of empathy with the entire human race � surely these are all issues that can be worked on in a modern relationship, and the last one is practically a requirement among the more selective dating agencies I hear.

Maybe it�s the call of the jungle, maybe it�s a sense of adventure, and maybe it�s just the old fashioned idea that a man could finally make a living marketing cheese made from human milk, but I do believe I�m smitten with the idea. Yes, the lovely girl with the hairy back who can converse with wild boars and has been the subject of a four year study by the postgraduate behavioural science department of a major university is definitely the one for me.

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