2003-11-28 - 11:01 a.m.

My boss just asked me what CBT stood for in relation to personal ads. I had to pretend I didn�t know rather than get into a lengthy explanation of �cock and ball torture� (hello, google hits) at 9.30 in the morning. It�s not what you need over your ham roll and coffee, right?

We don�t do Thanksgiving in this country, and to be honest I�m still not really sure what it is. Eating turkey to celebrate slaughtering the Indians, right? I only have that William Burroughs poem as my reference (�Thanks for a continent to despoil and poison. Thanks for Indians to provide a modicum of challenge and danger.�) so I�m not what you�d call an expert or anything.

I guess now it has probably evolved into a celebration of more topical blessings, such as having that big, loveable, shaggy hunk o� manhood for a leader. Thank whoever your God is for this guy, right? Thank you for the first President in U.S. history to enter office with a criminal record. Accept my endless gratitude for the first President in U.S. history to have the United Nations remove the U.S. from the Human Rights Commission. Do not attempt to restrict my foaming appreciation for the first President in U.S. history to order an unprovoked, pre-emptive attack and the military occupation of a sovereign nation, against the will of the United Nations, the majority of U.S. citizens, and the world community. Feel the shuddering eruption of my spurting obligation to the man who has appointed more convicted criminals to administration than any President in U.S. history, has broken more international treaties than any President in U.S. history and who has set the all-time record for most people worldwide to simultaneously protest him in public venues (15 million people), shattering the record for protest against any person in the history of mankind. Oh, man, do I feel like giving thanks.

I�m so full of steaming, hot gratitude that I may even go out and buy a pack of those �American Hero Freedom Playing Cards� (made in China). Honouring the heroes of Operation Enduring Freedom, the benevolent face of C*ndoleeza R*ce, the first black woman to be National Security Advisor, smiles out from�the queen of spades. Sensitive!