2003-10-29 - 12:06 p.m.

This morning I got jammed on the bus (�the transport choice for the poor and very poor alike�) behind the worst kind of fellow travelling species. I�m not talking about mister �flouncy businessman shaking his broadsheet paper in your face as a sign that he�s only taking public transport because his BMW�s in the garage�, or even mister �up way too early tramp having a shouting match with my can of cider�. It was much worse. It was mister and miss �travel together every morning even though it�s fucking three miles out of the way for one of you looking all doey-eyed awwwwwwwi�mgoigntomissyousooooooomuchtoday daisy bunny peaches pumpkin, imagine these people having sex when they obviously have the emotional age of seven cutesy-wutesy, vommy-wommy couple�. For the record, these were middle aged people with no outward signs of congenital retardation. It was all happening. The pouting because they had to spend the day apart. The weak-wristed pawing at each other�s body parts. The talking in a voice that�s the oral equivalent of a liquid sugar cane rectal irrigation treatment. The fresh faced �male� of the equation was explaining that he�d cut short a week long business trip (�bwizznez twip�) because, and I quote, �I wud just mwiss wu too too mwuch�(insert prolonged session of nauseatingly insistent nuzzlling)� � he was addressing her and not me, I should hasten to add. Don�t get me wrong � I don�t mind public displays of affection in the slightest. If they�d have been doing anything approaching something that I�d have been happy to sit back and watch, then it would have been fine � I�m as happy to spy on innocent acts of nascent physical love as the next man � but this was the kind of display that should be used by the military to break siege situations � project this kind of saccharine semtex at terrorist hijackers and they�d break within minutes. Back to the tube tomorrow, then. Give me malodorous sociopathic nutters on the verge of all out massacre any day.