2003-08-19 - 4:06 p.m.

I�m travelling more by bus these days, the tube in summer becoming a festering wound of a transport system where people come to fisticuffs over stray molecules of fresh air and even if you faint you can�t fall over, and you just kind of lean unconsciously against the elbows, arms and shoulders propping you up.

There�s a philosophical question about where you would sit on an empty bus. My answer is three-quarters of the way down on the left as you look at it, but I�m not sure what that reveals. If it�s that I don�t get on with cats and can�t stand pears, then it�s pretty accurate.

This question is a moot point on London Transport, though. If you actually did get on an empty bus, you�d assume everyone else saw a man in a balaclava strap a bomb to the chassis or something.

Last night I sat next to a pretty Asian girl who was talking excitedly on her mobile phone in a weird mix of English and Chinese. She would say something, go into Chinese for a bit and when she came back to English a few seconds later, the subject would have changed beyond recognition.

It would be like �Yeah, so we was in that club, innit, and that guy bought me a drink and hoo ka fong lee wan sho min chet foo sing lan dum but the government are totally covering it up, yeah?� This went on for ages. To me it was the conversational equivalent of listening to someone who kept disappearing below water half way through a sentence and someone totally different re-emerging. �Nah, I totally fancied him, yeah, but there;s no way I was gonna hoo ka fong lee wan sho min chet foo sing lan dum shortcomings on both sides of the judicial system.�

It was fun to imagine what train of thought the Chinese bit followed, until it just got as annoying as anyone else having a mobile phone conversation in your ear would, and I sat there getting pissed off for what seemed like the Triassic period before I remembered I had my MP3 player. Half way through some quality 60s french pop (current guilty pleasure) I get a tap on my shoulder.

�Can you turn that down?� The girl had finished her call, and now wanted some peace and quiet it seemed. �But I just had to put up with your conversation in my ear for several hours!� �That was private, innit? I�m not forcing it on other people.� �How do you figure that out when you�re rabbitting on at a decibel level reminiscent of a faulty jet engine not even stopping to draw breath like some alien that only survives by ingesting its own soundwaves and has to keep talking relentlessly in order to survive. Can you blame me for trying to find some sanctuary in an alternative soundscape, at the same time drowning out your interminable jabbering?�

Well, I just thought that last bit and turned it down, but you can see my point, no?