2003-05-16 - 5:52 p.m.

I just smashed a small child in the face with a full shopping basket. In my defence, it was partly the mother�s fault as she sped the child towards me from behind in its pram, its face blatantly at basket level. Still, I was swinging it back and forth with some vigour in a rare moment of basket-wielding carefree nonchalance. Luckily, the mesh-eating toddler was far too stunned even to cry, which always looks better and attracts way less attention. Even inflicting accidental; damage on a child in public has people looking at you as if you should be on some kind of register.

Now that we know Saving Private Jessica was the biggest sham this side of my claims to be an Olympic-level table-tennis player (http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/programmes/correspondent/3028585.stm), do you think they�ll still go ahead with the movie? The surprise isn�t really that the US military and media completely fabricated this story, but that we ever suspected anything different. She �has no memory of the events� = surely they mean �is clinging to the film rights with every last fibre of her worryingly bullet-free carcass.�

The new Matrix film? I was more excited the last time I descaled the kettle. Another generation pretend Goths get to think that walking around in long leather coats and wearing sunglasses indoors is somehow acceptable. Well, whoopee shit.