2003-04-25 - 7:05 p.m.

Things here are busier than in a hive of bees that have been fed ultra-addictive amphetamines in their pollen in a government-sponsored experiment to engender busy-ness in stripey insects. So if I haven�t e-mailed, written or looked at you lately, don�t go takin� all poi-sonal or �owt, will you? I�ll be decompressing sometime soon, and then the great social catch up of 2003 can get underway, though you�ll all have moved on to some younger, hipper, less bearded (yeah, I don�t even have time to shave at the moment) d�lander by THEN.

Long story short: Away lots over next two weeks. Brighton for wedding of the superstar-like Ms Pixgrrl this weekend, then on assignment in St Andrews for two days (any Scots in the area fancy saving me from playing golf with a few jars in a suitably rock and roll 19th hole?) and THEN on similar work-fest in Florida (same invite applies, natch) for a week. Miami? Nice.

I haven�t been too busy to get disturbed by the animals used in commercials to sell mattresses, though. I was only just getting over the Ch*rmin ads, which show cartoon animals in leafy glades using toilet roll in an inescapably human way. Not only do bears shit in the woods, they also freshen up afterwards, apparently. I don�t care how fluffy you make the players in this scenario � we�re not gonna get over the act that your selling the concept of absorbing faecal matter, you know?

The latest wrongness comes in the unlikely pair sharing the bed space in the S*lentnight adverts. It�s a cartoon DUCKLING and a full grown HIPPO who, despite the weight differential have, luckily for the company who want to show how their mattresses don�t roll together, decided to shack up in some abhorrent marital situation. I mean, let�s ignore the fact that, being a DUCKLING, and not even a slight maturing Mallard, say, the bird is way under age. This is cross-species breeding of a very dangerous kind � I mean ethically, not even counting the mind-boggling logistics of the procreational act. Anyhozza, The ads are now hinting that offspring are very much on the way, and against all that is holy, I�m hideously fascinated as to what appearance the mutant spawn will take. As long as their toilet habits are kept discreetly absent, I�m sure I can just about cope.