2003-04-04 - 11:43 a.m.

It is the same as yesterday! I am still embedded! I accidentally taped Major Kurt von Technomassacre saying �The Iraqis are the sickpeople, and we are the squadron of thermonuclear deathbombs sent to cure them of being alive.�

He said that he was for the free press in principle, but that I shouldn�t leave the unit and file his quote until I had become a real true war reporter, and been �mistakenly blown to pieces by your own troops in a sweltering desert hellhole�. That made me laugh and very excited to be a real journalist! At last! Now I can be like my colleagues!!

I am hearing a lot of news about the perfectly executed army plan on the wires! Which are not the same as the ones that George Bush attaches to bad men�s front bottoms in a terrorist camp in a place called Cuba! On the wires, the clever people talked about the saving of Miss Jessica, and Tom Hanks has already agreed to drag up and play her in the film called �Saving the Lady Soldier�!

Major Kurt was explaining to me that it wasn�t fair for the �towelheads� (he sometimes starts frothing and calls them �bowel-heads�!!! I always giggle when he is cross and his mouth gets all spitty!!) to attack a woman just for being part of the highly armed imperialist aggressors. We must protect the ladies of war!

I got very confused! But apparently It is different when we blow up the Iraq women because they don�t know it is better for them to be murderised than to live a life of oppression, suffering the unrelenting torture of a having to work a decently-paid clerical position in a fashionable suburb of Baghdad, sometimes having to work through lunch, though they might get a beigel bought to their desk! Now we bomb them out of having to do any more unpaid overtime! Liberation!!!

Someone said that my last report was homophobic because Major Kurt might be in the gays, but you might not know that in fact they are in the army too, now, killing away just like normal people! And anyway, some of my best friends are sexually ambiguous marines in charge of billions of dollars of military hardware!!! So there!

And I am a rookie reporter, so I�m sorry if it sounds disrespectful � I should of course show proper deference to the huge respect shown when we blow up maternity hospitals! I will in future!!!

In an FBI-dodging move, all further war reports to be filed from my new bunker: embedded.diaryland.com!!!