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2003-03-27 - 5:47 p.m.

I hate to finally talk about Da War, but you know what might make things stick in my craw just a smidge less? I mean, there would still be an awful lot sticking in my craw. I wouldn�t be walking down the street with people pointing at me and shouting �There goes the boy with the Teflon craw!� or anything. There�d still be craw adhesion, believe me, and to be honest, I�m not overly sure what a craw even IS. But sticking would definitely be at a slightly lesser level if the United States Army WAS ACTUALLY ANY GOOD at fighting. I mean, they REALLY stink at doing war.

Now, I�m no military expert (collective gasp of surprise from readership), but I assume blowing up lots of your own soldiers is generally held as being �A Bad Thing� in modern warfare � maybe opinion is divided on the subject (�All the other armies think it is � we think it isn�t.�) but I�m figuring it�s not a textbook attacking manoeuvre (�OK boys, we�ll employ a pincer movement to the city outskirts and then start aiming our death-mongering hardware at those least expecting it � ourselves!�.

Obviously, I�m not exactly the cheerleader for British troops out there, but even I�m feeling sorry for them having to deal with the Americans slaughtering them all the time and then the Pentagon having to come up with a new daily euphemism for fucking things right up. �Friendly fire!� �Blue on blue!� Why not �Shooting lots of bullets and missiles at our own troops and killing them!�?

And when the ordinance is even going in the right direction, it seems to have this condition of being somewhat �directionally challenged�. I know it�s being fired by a bunch of pituitary cases with all the cerebral awareness of a chipped ashtray (I read some article quoting a marine who �couldn�t believe� there wasn�t a MacDonald�s or Starbucks in Bassra), but unless peasants and fruit markets have become weapons of mass destruction, I�m completely unsure as to what the fuck you�re trying to do. It�s only because they�re armed with bombs up the wazoo that anything important ever gets hit � there�s no �precision bombing�, it�s just the law of averages that says if you drop enough explosives on a city, you�ll hit something vital�eventually!

And I love since there have been US prisoners of war that the Geneva Convention suddenly gets bought up by Bush, waving the rulebook, like the family bore at a Christmas party that has the afternoon boardgame declared null and void after finding some arcane point that everyone else routinely ignores. For starters, sonny Jim, here�s the country that never officially declares war so that the Geneva Convention can be summarily ignored. Secondly, it might just be me, and call me a mithering stickler for detail, but, er, doesn�t the fact that this war is COMPLETELY ILLEGAL IN THE FIRST PLACE kind of put you on the moral low ground there, monkey boy? Kind of a bit late to start worrying about morals when you�ve already gone against just about everybody in the right-thinking world, I would say.

The outrage that Saddam is �parading his prisoners on TV�? OK, I feel very sorry for the soldiers who I�m sure were just doing their jobs, and weren�t bright enough to be gunned down my some of their own division before getting caught, but just how much TV footage was I made to watch of Camp X-Ray when the jolly USA got some hott POW action?! �Shedloads�, I think you�ll find is the answer you�re floundering for there. OK, I could have switched over to �I�m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here�, but so what? (Hey, now THERE�S a crossover ratings winner in the making � �I�m a Celebrity POW, Get Me Out of Here!�)

In closing, shut up, America. You�re killing everything in sight despite all these setbacks, and you�ll be in Baghdad for tea and medals before anyone has a chance to say �making the UN completely irrelevant.�

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