2003-02-19 - 4:03 p.m.

As the amount of freetime I have is currently only detectable by high-powered electronic magnification equipment, and I have no home internet access like some kind of hapless peasant, I'm giving you a window into my (ahem) professional activities and reproducing what passes for my "newspaper column" (as I laughingly optimistically refer to it) on the weird ads of the day, which today include some phrases submitted by regular readers of this diary. I'm taking suggestions for tomorrow and Friday's if you can think of anything appropriately inappropriate:

Dwygyfylchi, LL34,lrg spacious detached house, 3 bedrooms, 2 lrg bathrooms, very big spacious hall, sgl garage, gardens, very lrg f/f kitchen / diner, beautiful location between mountains & sea, �154,950.

A chance to indulge your simmering vowel-phobic tendencies by heading out to this near-unpronounceable corner of the globe. It sounds like something of an enchanted country glade, perhaps inhabited by elves and hobbits and kamikaze squirrels and the like. Just don't try telling anyone your address without limbering up your epiglottis or having a spittoon on hand - giving out your postal town could well sound like you've just sneezed. We're sure it's a real rural idyll, but the name just isn't one of those that's going to inspire songs written about it, etc. "I Left My Heart in Dwygyfylchi", "Do You Know the Way to Dwygyfylchi?" and " Dwygyfylchi, Dwygyfylchi" just don't have the same ring to them...

BBC Test Cards, ecordings, early 1985, �20.

Originally developed to test the responsiveness of early cameras, the test card is little seen now. The most famous one, of course, was the imaginatively-titled "Test Card F" (you can guess at the unrelenting blandness of its predecessor's names). Designed by George Hersee and featuring his daughter Carole Hersee, it made its first appearance on BBC2 in 1967. Carol is caught smiling at the camera, in a game of noughts and crosses she has apparently entered into with a grinning, clown like toy. She looks cautiously optimistic about her next move, the central square still tantalisingly vacant, but the gloating rictus of the green jump-suited clown clearly indicates that he is resplendent in the knowledge that victory is assured. Test Card eggheads will, of course, know that the X on the noughts and crosses board was included to indicate the approximate centre of the card. If did know that, these recordings are definitely for you.

WW2 Mine Detector,Number 4A kit, with headset, sweeper, on / off switch & PS unit, �125.

You can never be too careful these days. Who's to say that whilst you slept, a disgruntled splinter cell of some rogue nation state hasn't launched a covert attack on your very own street, digging up the paving stones and laying all manner of deathly hardware, whilst the unwitting residents slumber in soon-to-be shattered security. The next day, all appears normal until the chaos strikes. Even country walks could be the target for subterranean bomb traps, with hapless ramblers being caught unawares in a juicy chasm, or down a mossy chine. If you're operating on this level of paranoia, this could be a sensible buy. Though militaria enthusiasts could be tempted too, we suppose.

Huckspalding A-Z of Tattooing,from US, plus one English how to tattoo manual, plus 30 tattoo mags, plus over 100 sheets of tattoo flash, the lot for �100.

Body adornment is an increasingly popular trend, and the business opportunities afforded by the world and his sister wanting Gaelic insignia needled into their upper arms are hard to ignore. So why not invest in this handy starter manual. Perhaps you could practice at home and use your new skill to treat the family, perhaps a nice skull for baby Danny's birthday, or permanently embossing "Millie is Four" onto a passing niece. Before long you will have built up a sizeable, if unwilling, customer base, and from then on, the world of pale, unfettered skin will be your ink-injecting oyster. Start your new hobby today. How hard can it be?