2003-01-30 - 3:50 p.m.

One of the many things I love about having nothing that you would identify as a discernable career is that you get to watch weird daytime TV. I just watched �Today with Des & Mel� (Des makes Regis Philbin look like Spike Jonez, Mel(anie) makes Anna Nicole Smith look like, um, Noam Chomsky). They do a daily show to an audience of specially bussed-in and no doubt heavily sedated crones, and among today�s guests were feted indie gospel-mongers The Polyphonic Spree. Even given draconian record company-enforced promotional commitments, I think you were pitching slightly outside your demographic there, boys. Half the audience probably thought they�d peacefully slipped away during the commercial break and had woken up to find out that heavenly choirs were a little more �ethnic� than they�d imagined.

It reminded me of footage I saw of Bill Hicks on �Pebble Mill at One�, which, older viewers will remember, as a format was a similar televisual programme but not quite as gritty and hard-hitting. After performing a � I�m guessing � HEAVILY censored section of his act, he sat down for a cosy chat with the snorting vampire of daytime chat, Ms Judy Spires. Judy makes Kathy Lee look like Simone de Beauvoir. Judy and Bill ploughed through this excruciating interview, neither caring, or indeed knowing, anything about each other, the pensioners in the audience were laughing politely whilst wondering when the next round of free digestive biscuits were coming round, and Bill was looking for all the world like he was going to, and I quote the man himself, fucking puke blood. It was surreally unbearable.

I hope I never get a job.