2002-12-13 - 5:17 p.m.

Well, I have lots to say but no time to say it as I�m trying to cook a duck for 6 people, and my experience with waterfowl doesn�t stretch any further than throwing them manky bits of bread in parks. So until the weekend, I�ll just answer these timely quick questions:

From Bruce:

Would you use a friends toothbrush?

I�d practically insist on it.

Do you always wash your hands after going to the toilet?

Yes, and sometimes before.

Who's better, The Smiths or The Tindersticks?

Gotta be The Smiths, I suppose, but only by the width of Johnny Marr�s plectrum.

From Surly:

When singing karaoke at run-down chicago establishments, what artist would pablo choose from the vast selection of heart, pat benatar & bon jovi?

It�s a constant dilemma, but I�d have to favour the Jovi, though you should know I have an affection for Benatar that is in no way small.

Why is your butt so buttoxic?

Hey! That word gives you a Google Whack, or whatever that thing is. So I have no idea what you mean, really, but if we�re going to raise the issue of my butt, you should know that it is by far and away my best feature. I�m not one to talk up my own ass (er, that sounds weird) but (no pun intended) it is spectacular. You know that insult � �If I had a face like yours I�d teach my ass to talk and walk backwards�? Well, I think I�d have got much further in life if I could have actually done that. Er, anyway. Moving swiftly on�

Paper or plastic?

For rolling cigarettes � paper. Replacement hips � plastic.