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2002-12-09 - 7:03 p.m.

Earth men and women, before we go on, I just wanted to reassure you that normal service will be resumed after this little diversion � i.e. I will return to being a relentless blatherskite.

Thank you for your questions, which have been vetted by my crack team of Rhesus Monkeys. There were more than I thought, so I�ll do them in two updates. The rest tomorrow.

I will now address the questions in order of how relevant they are to my favourite cheese.

From Clover:

Here's my question for you, Pablo: so many Diarylanders are whiney, angsty, and secretly wish they were The Crow. Do you hold any similar inclinations? Have you ever downed eight Tylenol and then promptly called 911? Also, what is your favourite kind of cheese?

Yes, many journals do drip angst like the melted butter from an infinite number of warm, depressed muffins. These diaries have their place, of course, and it�s important for these people to pretend to themselves that someone cares. Of course I have had these moments myself, but sadly my country�s facilities do not lend themselves to such dramatic displays of gothiness. High strength drugs are hard to get over the counter, and the emergency services are badly underfunded. The best you could do would be to neck several Junior Disprin and wait for a social worker to come round and take you through the application process for a support group to get you out of tie-die clothing. I�ll cry into my pillow, but I�m way too polite to involve anyone else.

If I had to be skewered on a fondue fork and dipped into a giant melty bowl, I�d hope it would be�maybe Gouda or Gruyere. I�m not all over the soft cheeses.

From Fred: Given the generally shitty state of British Pop Music in this, the year of our Lord twenty hundred and zero two, I have but one question to ask: Kylie or any of one your choice from The Atomic Kittens?

You mean to see at the top of the hit parade, or bouncing around with unrestrained joy on one of my extremities, or up in front of the firing squad? As far as making sweet love goes, I would rather bed an actual irradiated young feline than any of those gurning munters, so Kylie by default. Also, at least Ms Minogue is TRYING with her pop, and not just churning out Blondie covers. In summary: I really hate Travis.

From Peth: What made you start a diary here, and what made you continue it?

Well, as you may or may not care, I started life on DL many years ago as Garcia, a wide-eyed idealist naively peddling his thoughts, unfettered by practises like not using his employer�s real names in scathing personal attacks. Ah, how we laughed as we mulled over what I�d written as he quizzed me in that back office and my best friend who got me the job never talked to me again. Happy, happy times. My motto is �Live and don�t learn�, and so Pablo arose, like a particularly stubborn phoenix from those shame-drenched ashes. I started here because I was so bored at work that the alternative would have been to try and digest my own alimentary canal as a diversion, and I continue�well�I could stop and devote my energies to my career, but I can�t, as Aristotle once said, be arsed. Besides, there are so many nice people splashing around in this global community pool.

From Sezzy: How come English actors can do American accents so effortlessly but our guys always manage to fuck up the English accent or just not do it altogether, like stoopid Kevin Costner in Robin Hood? Is it just because we suck?

Oh, come now. Some Americans I know aren�t the suckiest people on earth. Hahaha, I�m kidding, of course! But seriously, my heart glows every time Gwyneth Paltrow gets to star in a British film doing her simpery middle-class Brit voice � it�s not like we have any great actresses that could have done HALF as good a job as her. I expect people from Brooklyn feel the same way every time Tim Roth does his Noo Yawk schtick.

(to be continued...)

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