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2002-11-18 - 6:11 p.m.

After last week�s �Voodoo Britain�, this week we�re apparently �Terrorist Britain�. Ah, I love the smell of moral panic in a morning (though why can�t we pitch Voodoo Britain AGAINST Terrorist Britain � surely the mystical forces will win hands down�though they DID decapitate all those kids, so it�s a close call, really).

Our jolly Government have announced that there are three baddies �on the loose� on the tube network (and I bet they haven�t even got valid travelcards) and tonight we should expect huge clouds of mustard gas wafting around, which would, to my mind, at least neutralise the usual aroma of chronic body odour and wee. You�ll be glad to know I made it home safely � my end of the tube line wouldn�t really be targeted unless Osama is switching his focus from capitalist pigdogs to Irish drunks and Romanian refugees playing tatty accordions.

Still, I was careful to read the invaluable advice that the Home Office has issued in case you�re suddenly faced with a poisonous death cloud that turns out NOT to be the after-effects of your neighbour�s lunchtime curry. Apparently because the tubes are �so well ventilated� (insert mental image of me laughing at this statement for several millennia), there is �no need to leave the carriage� (just as well since, er, you won�t be able to) and you should �relax� (perhaps over a few cocktails?) until the �cloud has passed�, though in extreme cases, you should �try not to breath�. Well, butter my parsnips! Like someone needs to tell them! If there�s one thing that a recently dead carriage of commuters doesn�t need advice on, it�s ceasing to do that whole inhale/exhale thing. A twitching mound of corpses doesn�t really need lessons in that particular endeavour � they can pretty much handle that whole �not breathing� thing on their own.

Next week: In the event of a nuclear attack, please proceed straight into the rapid atomising of your entire physical mass, in a split-second blinding flash of intense light and heat � an information sheet is available.

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