2002-11-13 - 1:21 p.m.

Next door but one from the flat, there�s a hotel bar that serves as a late night drinking hole for various members of the Turkish-Cypriot Mafioso, wannabe gangstaz who seem to ply all their extortion profits into seeing who can install the loudest car stereo, and sometimes, just me and my flatmates in need of a late drink. I�ve often stumbled in there coming back from town for an instantly regrettable pint of unidentifiable beer � when people ask me if I know anywhere with a late licence, every reply starts with the words, �Well, I know a place, BUT��

Yesterday I arrived home to find their latest food menu pushed through the letterbox. They�re pretty liberal with their attitude towards proper English spelling, and they�re usually good for a couple of comedy menu items, such as �Quarter Ponders�, �Rum Steak� or similar amusing slip. It kind of fits the downmarket but aspirational atmosphere of the place. This time, though, they really outdid themselves. After all the appalling food (I�ve had the misfortune to be desperate enough to eat there, and let me tell you, their Chicken Supreme definitely has ideas above its station), there�s a list of drinks. The wine list is cheap and mercifully short. Then we move onto the champagnes, which begin tentatively with the inaccurate but harmless �Moet and Chandan� but end with the inescapable horror of�.�Don Perineum�.

This has instantly become my second favourite typo, after the legendary e-mail sent round (and this is true) by a friend of a friend at a conservative law firm. I give you:

�PLEASE PLEASE please please please�I am begging here�keep any and all paper clips away from the copier! We have had two service calls in the last few days removing paper clips, staples and a binder clip from the innards of the copier. PLEASE be really really really really careful around the copier. Especially the document handler, which seems to suck clits like a vacuum cleaner. Thanks for your help. JB�

Yeah, I had to check the meaning of perineum too, but it�s worth it.