2002-10-23 - 7:16 p.m.

Apparently gun sales have rocketed in the wake of the Washington sniper. What are people going to do? Shoot him back? That said, I feel lazy enough to just quote Bill Hicks today:

�No one has handguns in England, not even the cops. True or false? True. Now, in England last year, they had fourteen deaths from handguns. FFFFFourteen. Now-the United States, and I think you know how we feel about handguns-woooo, I'm getting a warm tingly feeling just saying the fucking word, to be honest with you. I swear to you, I am hard. Twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns. Now let's go through those numbers again, because they're a little baffling at first glance. England, where no one has guns, fffffffourteen deaths. United States, and I think you know how we feel about guns-woooo, I'm getting a stiffy-twenty-three thousand deaths from handguns. But there's no connection, and you'd be a fool and a Communist to make one. There's no connection between having a gun and shooting someone with it, and not having a gun and not shooting someone. There have been studies made and there is no connection at all there. Yes. That's absolute proof. You know, fourteen deaths from handguns. Probably American tourists, too. (Angry tourist voice) You call this a sandwich? BANG! BANG! You don't boil pizza! BANG! BANG! (Scared English voice) That's the way we eat here, that's the way we eat here! BANG! (Tourist voice) This food sucks! BANG! And boy, does it suck. Okay, great. If I had a gun, I woulda been number fifteen on that fucking list. Okay, though, admittedly, last year in England, they had fourteen thousand deaths per every soccer game, okay. I'm not saying every system is flawless, I'm just saying, if you're in England, don't go to a goddamn soccer game, and you're coming home. It's weird-they don't have guns in England, but they have a very high crime rate, which tells you how polite the fucking English are.�