2002-09-01 - 4:42 p.m.

So all those suggested phrases (thank you all for playing) will be gracing the pages of the publication unlucky enough to have me as acting editor. If you�re in London, buy it Tuesday, if you�re grubbing around like a toothless peasant in the godforsaken wastelands of the provinces, then Wednesday. It�s the classified ads paper that begins with �L� and rhymes with �oot�. Of course, the issue looks like it was written by a bunch of mealy-mouthed drug-addled monkeys, but you have to keep things interesting, right?

Friday I celebrated endangering my long-term employment prospects by heading out into london�strendyislington and then gay indie clubland, though I must have accidentally doused myself in people-repellent spray as it was pretty much a litany of being serially shunned and having to dance looking at people�s charmless backs, which is never much fun, and even less so when the DJ is playing the leaden dirge of Garbage and Placebo. I topped off an evening of feeling like the world�s least desirable person with an early-morning jaunt around London�s lesser-known bus routes, the tequila choosing to kick in at a highly inappropriate time and completely laying waste to my at best pitiful sense of direction. My popularity certainly took an upturn, though � drunken lost people are in high demand amongst shady men wandering the streets at 3am it would seem. Thanks for helping out, guys, but I�m sorry � asking you for directions does NOT mean I want to come back to your place for a �massage�. I�m sure you�re motives are, like, honourable, and you may even be a licensed practitioner, but I have a sneaking suspicion that the episode would culminate in your bodily fluids making an unnecessary appearance. Call me an old cynic.