2002-08-28 - 7:52 p.m.

So the weekend bought a wedding out of town, and all that that entails � the charming pastoral serenity, the convivial bonhomie of the wedding reception, and of course the soul-churning loneliness of being yet again the only single person in a smug-smelling sea of star-crossed lovers.

Actually, I tell a lie. There was another guy, but he was the groom�s uncle, euphemistically termed �eccentric� as a reference to his raving homosexuality. Within minutes of meeting me he�d pegged me as the only feasible option, and his opening conversational gambit was to ask for �wacky backy� (a term no doubt from his youth, circa 1946). From then on, every time I went to the toilet he would instantly appear, trying to strike up conversation as I focused on avoiding eye contact and not having oral sex in a cubicle. Even early on, at his most sober, he�d stand there doing his business and say, �It�s a shame to come all this way to the urinal only to have to stand back to back to each other.� Obviously he�d have preferred me to swing round and shower him with my streaming liquid feculence, but I stoically maintained my wall-facing stance.

Of course, the post-reception dancing brings its own horrors � the trying to look like you�re having a good time on your own, the pity-fuelled offer of a slow dance with well-meaning partners of people you vaguely know, the perennial unavoidability of having to slow dance to Frank Sinatra with a hirsute maiden aunt � choose from the whole world of delights. 4am sees the standard wedding-issue meeting of the disgruntled men, downing large whiskies and eager to buy for you as long as you�re ready to hear them gruffly voice every grievance they�ve had with their wives / girlfriends over the course of their relationships. It goes like this: �Yeeerrrrr�..yer just don� know �er�.she�s got this�side to her�god, she�s just got no idea�what�s yer name�.pablo�I envy you the single life�.fuckin� envy you, lad�.� I imagine their beautiful partners asleep upstairs, unaware of the torrent of abuse they�re about to receive, and try not to laugh maniacally, and order another gin.