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2002-08-12 - 7:01 p.m.

I�m not sure if you�re aware of this, but they made a film version of The Lord of the Rings. I watched it via the means of a video cassette recorder machine the other night, and enjoyed it much more than I thought I would, considering the purulent hatred with which I regard the time I pissed up against a wall reading those godforsaken books. I�m the first to admit that I have no imagination and that the thought of the genre of �fantasy� appeals to me about as much as the thought of suddenly sprouting a long, un-prehensile tale and having to have all my trousers adjusted round my tradesmen�s entrance. But it was OK. I liked the bit where the evil wizard makes Ian McKellen do backspins. And you just know that Ian McKellen probably spends all his time down a bar called The Prancing Pony in real life anyway. I made a pant-wettingly hilarious joke with the punchline �John-Wayne Hobbit�, but I�ve forgotten it now.

The rest of the weekend I spent writing like an infinite number of monkeys being fed an infinite number of especially inspirational bananas.

I got home from work just now to find a postcard from the postman saying that they�re holding a parcel for me that was too big to fit through my letterbox. Whilst this seems initially exciting, in my experience, it�s never anything very sexy in these scenarios � in this case I can�t imagine it�s anything more than an extra large bottle of diarrhoea tablets from my mum, who is bizarrely and completely obsessed continually suffering from said ailment, despite my never having complained about it to her, or even ever had it to her knowledge.

I�m thinking of taking a break. From this. I�m not feeling very entertaining or clever at the moment. Maybe someone brighter could fill in for me for a while? That would be OK.

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