2002-07-10 - 6:58 p.m.

My friend Lara, who sits so firmly atop the �coolest people to be currently recovering from a broken foot� league that the others can only gaze up in starry-eyed wonderment from far below like so many limping dullards, recently came up with a vague five year plan for her life � not in an anal �I must achieve or I�ll drown myself in rancid cranberries� kind of way, but in a �here�s what�s vaguely happening / head clearing� kind of way, and I was so inspired that I came up with my own:

2002

Rearrange underwear drawer once and for all, with complete and strict briefs / socks apartheid. Try at least one new fruit. Experiment with hats, and headwear in general. Come to terms with the fact that I will probably never write a epoch-making religious text. Start a monosonic diet, only eating foods that make the same noise when chewed. Get conclusive evidence as to whether or not I was breast fed. Attempt to go one month without alcohol to see if short-term memory improves.

2003

Develop own language, loosely based on a mixture of the clicking tribes of Africa and Spandau Ballet b-sides. By trial and error, try and narrow down The Olympic sports that I could still theoretically become champion at (assuming it will come down to archery and that one in winter where you just lie on a piece of wood and hurtle down an icy track). Finally get onto the property ladder in London by investing in post box, or perhaps a small, disused well. Attempt to go one month without alcohol to see if short-term memory improves.

2004

Marry and divorce as many children�s TV presenters as possible, in order of how annoying the stuffed animals they appear with are. Contemplate finally getting into hacky-sack. Travel only through countries with the word �land� in them. Work out what number in line I am to the throne and slowly begin taking out anyone in front of me with a view to becoming �minor royal� within a decade.

2005

Attempt reproduction by splitting on a cellular level, but remember to split vertically or will just end up with two stunted versions of self. This will probably occupy me for most of the year.

2006

Claim untold millions by selling Starbucks the formula that will genetically predispose all newborns to cinnamon-frosted skinny lattes. See if shedding skin daily is an effective replacement for proper bathing. Check underwear drawer situation and take appropriate action if necessary.

Like I said, I may not achieve it all, but at least now it�s straight in my head.