2002-06-20 - 6:22 p.m.

All yesterday's sickeningly optimistic life affirmation was just asking for me to get hit by a bus today, but luckily I avoided that by sitting in and writing the cheesy frontpages for the free ads paper. I'm trying to sneak in as much sexual innuendo as possible. Today I furnished a front page about camping equipment with the phrase "pitching a tent has never been easier". I hope it gets through. Oh, and one about gardening equipment was just begging for "there's nothing like a good old-fashioned hoe". I couldn't resist.

I don't know why I'm thinking about sex all the time suddenly. I'll try and keep it out of these pages, but you know how it is.

Anyway, working on the free ads paper, you get to see that people are trying to buy and sell some crazy-ass, as they say, shit. Stuffed fish. Bits of railway track. Airline toiletry bags. Then of course you have the personal services section where the prostitutes, sorry, "executive massage practitioners" sell there wares. Which is fair enough, but just funny. BUT this is the best ad I saw all day today (I spend most of the day browsing for, erm, "inspiration"):

MP5A5 Machine Gun. Working order, good condition. Unwanted present

Unwanted present!!!!!! How can a firearm be an unwanted present? You can just see the person going "Damn! I totally forgot Pete was a pacifist when I bought him that for his birthday!" or maybe it's some gun freak who's like, "Oh man! The MP5A5 sucks ass! I'm gonna sell it and buy the MP5A6!" And anyway, aren't guns illegal in this country?