2002-06-10 - 5:09 p.m.

I�ve come dangerously close to earning some money, having been commissioned by a new �comedy� magazine to write a feature on a stand-up comedy competition. Sadly, it involves no financial outlay on their part, but I�m begrudgingly taking it because it would mean good exposure and the first print run is about 400,000 copies. And besides. Fame costs. And here�s where I start paying. In sweat. At least, I started once the air conditioning failed in the dingy cellar I attended to start my research last night.

Now, don�t get me wrong. Stand-up comedy is probably one of the bravest things you can do, and I�d rather knit a balaclava out of my own arterial passageways than attempt it, but that doesn�t stop the fact that when it�s done badly, it is SO painful to watch. Surely even the most na�ve beginners must know that stuff like �don�t you just hate call centres� is about as inventive as, um, my similes apparently, and that �performance poetry� read from a sheet of paper is simply �poetry�, even if you HAVE set it to the rhyming scheme of �Copocabana�. One guy stumbled through something incomprehensible about weddings before, with time ticking away, simply REMOVING ONE OF HIS TEETH as a finale. I mean, call me blinkered, but I�m not forseeing the extraction of prosthetic dental accessories will ever be a major comedic trend. Someone who looked like a low-ranking mafia goon sang a 1003-versed nursery rhyme about MacDonalds to the tune of, and try and hold in your hysterics here, �Old MacDonald� (and then proceeded on a paranoid rant about �short haired dykes� for some undiscovered reason). A French junkie rambled on for several hours before ending on a feeble pun on the word �tart�.

I have nothing but admiration for getting up there, but surely the getting up there is the hardest bit?! The material should be easy! Why would you waste all that nervous energy psyching yourself up and then go up with guff about Monica Lewinski (how topical!) and casual racism via an analogy with toast?! Sadly, I�m not aloud to review any of the acts in the feature (apparently I�m supposed to be �objective�?) which would have been way more cathartic given my ongoing failure status, but maybe I can crowbar in a few obtuse digs.

Oh, and if you�re wondering, yes I did call in sick today. I�ve been there a whole three days, after all.