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2002-05-28 - 1:31 p.m.

My exhaustive efforts to find useful employment have meant, obviously, that I�m once again scarily familiar with the daytime TV schedules. Fill in application forms or watch programmes about DIY I�ll never do in homes I�ll never own? Well, it�s no contest, obviously. Current favourite is a weird half hour contortion of antique buying taken to competitive levels. The presenter apparently takes 30 minutes off his intense sunbed regime to do the show, which is essentially a test of who�s got the better eye for overpriced tat. The leathery old reptilian sycophant leads the vacant bargain hunters around such treasure troves as collections of nineteenth century police regalia, possibly the only situation where he can at least say things like �I�m not really an ebony truncheon man� without embarrassment. The docile contestants then end up with armfuls of gaudy trinkets that would, in fairness, make perfect gifts as household decorations for the partially sighted, or insane. The items then go to auction, often selling for up to ten percent of what they�d paid for them as some unforeseen flaw like a missing handle or it being made of sodden cardboard comes embarrassingly to light. Of course, the news is on at the same time on the other channel, but impending world war just doesn�t cut it in the face of bumbling toffs paying over the odds for cracked porcelain, and it keeps my mind off things like the fact that I now officially can�t make rent this month!

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