2002-05-15 - 7:15 p.m.

Sonoma, Mon-Tues

Though it does exude a certain tacky stylishness, touring the farming country of the Sonoma Valley in a stretch limo is a decidedly bad idea, especially given the lack of rock star accoutrements in the back, such as recreational narcotics or attentive minor soap nymphettes. We did get free tea and coffee, though.

A guided tour of a cheese factory in the farming country of the Sonoma Valley is best attempted WITHOUT a raging hangover, given that cheese, at any given stage of its preparation, looks like putrid vomit � when they told me to �stick my hand in and feel the curd�, they very nearly lost THAT batch, I can tell you.

Arriving at SF airport in a stretch limo, having spent the morning necking $50 bottles of wine is a decidedly GOOD idea, though given 2 of our group were over 50, it was tricky pulling off that rock star illusion.

Thankfully, no-one spilt a Bloody Mary on me 15 minutes into the return flight. Unthankfully, someone spilt half a bottle of white wine onto me 15 minutes into the return flight. For ONCE, I�d like to spend the whole flight stinking of booze because I�d actually drank myself into that state, not because some uber-klutz next to me has spatial awareness issues. Tosser.

Iqaluit, Northern Canada, 2am Wed

Forced landings on icy, remote airfields always add a certain spice to a flight. Yes, nosing down into the Arctic tundra should be added to all transatlantic trips, just for kicks. We�re at the above-named town (fishing hole? Igloo park?) being served calming G&T�s. It�s a gazillion miles north of Quebec, on the Hall Peninsular. One of the coffin-dodgers from economy was apparently entering the early stages of a cardiac arrest as we were about to head out over the Atlantic, forcing a speedy 3 point turn. I was asleep, and the dream I was having about a vice being tightened around my head turned out to be just a rapid bit of descending. And now we have 2 hours in one of the world�s most northerly airstrips.

Dicky Ticker was allowed to join us in Club Class to continue with his badly-timed death throes, and was sat next to our party. One of the stewards came over to tell him and his wife that it was a 4 hour drive to the nearest hospital, and one of my colleague�s �whispered� observations (�He�s FUCKED!!�) didn�t go down TOO well, I have to say. DT looked quite convincing, what with all that deathly greyness and constant gasping at the oxygen mask, but I noticed that he took full advantage of his temporary upgrade, finding time to pocket the free soap bag and a pair of pyjamas. Anyway, he and his wife have been whisked off by emergency kayak to enjoy the finest that Eskimo medicare has to offer � it seems weird not to have held out for London given there was only 4 more hours to go anyway, though given the state of our hospitals, he was probably wise to take his chances in the frozen wilderness.

The runway is, shall we say, compact and bijoux, due to Iqaluit�s not being used as an international runway very often, so at least take-off will be semi-interesting. I don�t want to sat too much, but has anyone ever seen the film �Alive�?

London, Wed pm

Home. I don�t know what time I�m on. California? British? Iqaluit?