2002-03-15 - 6:29 p.m.

My third toes on each foot are forever coming out of their sockets. I like to think it�s some prescient genetic development whose purpose will only become clear in the fullness of time and I can be posthumously held up as the acme of evolution, but more likely I just don�t get enough calcium or something. I can�t think what possible use it could have anyway � there�s only ever been one instance of a useful dislocating extremity, and that was in Lethal Weapon (2?) - the one where Patsy Kensit plays a Sooth Ifrikin with her customary aplomb and when Mel Gibson saves himself from drowning by yanking his shoulder out (the best line in the film is at the end where Joss Ackland says, �Diplomatic immunity.� and Danny Glover says, �Revoked!� and then blows him away). I wish my toes were so glamorous, but mostly they just pop out at extremely inconvenient moments, such as when I�m taking a leak in a public bathroom or diffusing high explosives � stuff like that. In any case, getting them back to their natural state is a pretty pressing affair involving hasty shoe removal and not a small amount of physical coaxing. That�s as far as my bodily quirks go, though. I�m not one of these people that can touch their ears with their tongue or bend my knees the wrong way or anything. Although, you know when you yawn and sometimes you get a spray coming out from under your tongue? I can do that AT WILL. Though similarly, I�ve yet to think of a single practical application for this.