2002-01-01 - 8:59 p.m.

2002 � what to watch for:

Hitting the shelves early in the year will be the Osama Bin Laden weightloss video. Easy-to-follow and with astonishing results, all it involves is lying very still in a rural cave whilst the imperialist capitalist pigdogs unleash the full explosive might of their unrelenting war machine on nearby hillsides. Two weeks later and the pounds will simply have fallen off. Minor side effects include loss of use of left side of body, and universal hatred.

Shortly afterwards, Macy�s department store boosts the September 11th fundraising effort with the inaugural �Winona Ryder Trolley Dash� � one lucky family gets three minutes to grab as much merchandise as they can and then possibly descend into an unremarkable film career.

The bands Travis, Stereophonics, Coldplay, Starsailor and David Grey experience simultaneous moments of blinding clarity and realise that they�ve merely been peddling bland, soulless, cloyingly dull aural shit and commit suicide by falling onto the sharpened necks of their expensive guitars bought for them by fascistic record executives, rather than inflict another tawdry note onto the corporate-lead bovine middle managers that make up their audiences.

The United States of America declares outright war on the peasants of every country that refuses to become a new State, governed by Washington. The UK is let off as Bush concedes that it �essentially already is�.

Kate Winslet buckles under the pressure of having to have a traumatic breakup and vary her weight every four weeks to stay on the front pages of the national press.

Airport security guard wages are bought into line with those of fast food outlets, and the career is heavily promoted with the promise of a �sexier uniform� to offset the risk of bloody bomb death.

A complicated legal wrangle ends in embarrassment for Woddy Allen, as it is proved in court that he is technically his own grandfather.

John Ronson and Louis Theroux follow each other round with documentary film crews making arch and vaguely patronising comments before one of them disappears in a puff of faux-naivety.

George W Bush almost creates a diplomatic incident at a state dinner when, in a fit of unbearable guilt, he lets slip that he is in fact evil incarnate, a sucker of satan�s cock and merely an amoral puppet for the arms and oil dealers that allowed him to cheat his way into office. Luckily, he is sat next to the non-English speaking premier of Moldova, who thinks he is just asking him to pass the bread rolls, and the guilt passes.

Britney Spears� claims of virginity suffer a �setback� as a leaked video shows her enjoying sweet relations, being taken simultaneously by executives from Jive Records, Coca-cola and Disney, whilst in the background fianc�e Justin Timberlake just stands and watches, nodding approvingly.

Or something.