2001-12-19 - 6:54 p.m.
�Let's move away together, go interplanetary, Maybe in Chinese weather, where it's sanitary, I'll go out trawler fishing, yeah we'll have tuna steak, I'm on a special mission, for us to have a break�
So I have to spend Friday on a plane load of screaming, santa-obsessed mewlers as the newspaper have kindly made me go to Lapland for the day (let�s just be clear on that � for the DAY) for no apparent reason. You can imagine the kind of over-privileged, pant-wetting brats that get taken on an expedition to the Artic Circle just to deliver their Christmas lists personally to some out-of-work Finnish actor who just happened to have his own costume and log cabin. And I�m especially looking forward to adding reindeer and husky dogs to the list of animals I completely manage to antagonise just by being in close proximity to. I�m hoping to do my dashing through the snow in ye olde traditional snowmobile, rather than any one-horse open sleigh rigmarole. I wonder how much the parents would pay me not to make any inopportune festive revelations whilst we�re in the grotto? Actually, that would mean the screaming would be even worse on the way home. Still, it�s not every day that you get to experience temperatures of minus twenty. What larks.
�Looks like we might have made it, Put on your silkworm dress, You look so beautiful and I look such a mess, Across the city's landscape, the sun burns crimson red, Maybe the moon will wait, before we go to bed�
Aside from my goldfish, Freeman and Hardy, and Ken (the) Loach, I have very little to do with animals of any genus. I can think of nothing stranger than an the overly affectionate relationships that some people have with cats, dogs and domestic cattle. Like watching snooker, or thinking that Travis are a good band, I can only put it down to some kind of localised mental deficiency. �It�s like he�s got his own little personality,� is one of the more common delusions, when it�s patently clear that every animal has the same personality as every other animal, which is to do whatever it takes to eat and reproduce as much as physically possible, and if this includes having to endure some cloyingly sentimental mauling, then they�re going to do it, frankly. The only conceivable difference could be variations in levels of hunger or desperation to have sex. Remember, kids, animals are incapable of love and speech. That, along with abstract thought and the ability to give acting awards to Gwyneth Paltrow, is what separates us. Talking to animals, as with humans under the age of fourteen, is a worryingly strange waste of everyone�s time and should never be done in public. I have to be honest, it�s a tweak away from zoophilia, and we all know what that is � bestiality but with kissing.
Overheard on the tube: "I never thought I'd see the day when you could get a free Frodo in Burger King."
�We're going to Shanghai, To watch the red sky, We're moving to Shanghai, Goodbye, goodbye, We're going to Shanghai, So don't you cry, We're moving to Shanghai�
