2001-12-17 - 10:56 p.m.

�Devoted to the nights I stole�the lies I never thought I�d told�everything I say is stolen from the pages of a book�but you don�t you think my hair, the clothes I wear�deserve a second look?�

For the terminally undisciplined and feeble-minded amongst us, New Year resolutions present a bit of a double-edged, as they say, sword. On the one hand, they force you to look at your life and pick out all the things that you really enjoy doing and really couldn�t do much more of without breaking some EU quota on individual levels of enjoyment and then promise yourself you�ll never ever do them again, so help me Moz. Which is a bit depressing.

On the other hand, the thought of those coming months of monk/nun-like self discipline and unwavering temperance does give you the excuse to gorge yourself to near-fatally insane levels of excess in the run-up. Which makes the three and a half days that you actually keep your resolutions a bit of a breeze, because by that stage you probably couldn�t, say, eat any more cake, down any more flaming sambucas or snort coke of the naked torsos of any more minor soap nymphettes if your social life depended on it.

�And there�s nothing like the cold�your face has dried and you�ve been told�you saw the fists I made�you saw the hate I faked�but seeing things too late, it was a lie to hide�at times my hands protected you, from blindly staying by my side��

The trick to a successfully self-delusional resolution lies in the choosing. Obviously, some people have more glaring improvements to make in their lives than others � Osama Bin Laden will no doubt resolve to stop leaving incredibly incriminating videotapes of him speaking about the destruction of the entire western world around the place, whilst Winona Ryder could perhaps think about making a resolution to observe the quaint tradition of paying for things in shops. But those of us that have managed to avoid criminal charges and masterminding acts of international terrorism may have to search a little deeper.

The best bet is to make a resolution not to do something really obscure, that you�d never be caught doing anyway. For example, your resolution could be not to indulge in any naked dwarf tossing, or to stop smoking ketamine through small domestic pets � both easy resolutions to uphold unless you happen to be a doped-up champion dwarf tosser. Then, of course, you should give up cake or flaming sambucas.

But it�s all academic to me. My resolution has always been not to make promises I can�t keep. No, the only resolve I�ll be seeing over the new year will come in tablet form and will be helping to cure my hangover enough to face yet another year of doing it all again.

Because there�s a hangover cure called �Resolve�. In case you don�t get it. Corduroy pillows. Making headlines. They make lines on your head. See?

� Seeing things too late, it was a lie to hide�at times my hands protected you, from blindly staying by my side�a rescue act�a rescue act��

I hope it isn�t in bad form to quote your own song

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