2001-12-11 - 6:14 p.m.

�As Rabbi Zwi Chaim Yisroel ws on his way to the synagogue to celebrate the sacred Jewish holiday commemorating God�s reneging on every promise, a woman stopped him and asked, �Rabbi, why are we Jews not allowed to eat Pork?� �We�re not?� he said incredulously. �Uh-oh��

Today was as cold as, as my dad would have it, an Eskimo�s chuff. I�ve never really worked out which particular polar crevice this refers to, and in any case I�ll bet you everything from a diddle-eyed-joe to a damned-if-I-know that Eskimos keep their chuffs in a permanently insulated state. Walking to work and cursing my hurriedly optimistic choice of blatantly autumnal leather coat, I remembered the saying that �There is no such thing as bad weather, only bad clothes� � I think this is from the Swedes, though it could possibly be some other annoyingly resilient race. And there are undeniably such things as bad clothes, as a cursory glance at any �Abba� video will readily confirm.

On my return �home� in a couple of weeks, I�ll be able to witness the strange ritual of �people not wearing very much on a freezing cold night out� � the young boys and girls will once again be walking the streets in items that take no heed of our seasonal climate, clinging stubbornly to the �sweltering summer�s day� section of the wardrobe. Mini-skirts, open neck, short-sleeved shirts � �Ah, bring on that December sleet, I�m dressed like I�m in a Bacardi advert and I�m sticking with it.� I�m not sure if this is some northern display of defiance and machismo, or whether chilblains and remedial frostbite are just the accessories to be seen with this season.

�This is one of the few stories in all Hasidic literature that deals with Hebrew law. The Rabbi knows he shouldn�t eat pork; he doesn�t care though, because he LIKES pork. Not only does he like pork, he gets a kick out of rolling Easter eggs. In short, he cares very little about traditional Orthodoxy and regards God�s covenant with Abraham as �just so much chin music��

I realised my word-radar was off kilter yesterday, because no-one seemed to understand what the fudge I was on about. I meant that I attended Peth�s party virtually, via a modern chat room, and so virtually met actual cool people that I like. I apologise unreservedly for any lasting confusion.

Oh, and If I see just one more GAP advert, I�m going to have some kind of smug hypocrisy-induced aneurysm.

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�Why pork was proscribed by Hebraic law is still unclear, and some scholars believe that the Torah merely suggested not eating pork at certain restaurants.�

Today�s old testament pooper