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2001-11-23 - 6:33 p.m.

�Park the car at the side of the road�you should know�that time�s tide will smother you�and I will too��

The merry commuter trash on the way home were breathing a sigh of collective relief. Not because there�d been some massive diplomatic success to stop the ruthless bombing of innocent civilians (maybe you read something about this somewhere, it seems to get the odd bit of coverage, but you have to look hard) but because the country�s professional footballers (that�s �soccer players� to all you crazy septics) had called off a strike at the last minute.

I�ve said it before, and I�ll say it again. I can�t think of ANYONE in a position more likely to prove how surplus to societal requirements they are than professional footballers, with the possible exception of fashion correspondents. (I like football, it�s just that the players seem to be under the delusion that they work for a living.)

A friend and I planned to create a website called "TubeWhore.com", committed to a sociological dissection of the cattle-like conditions of the rush hour and witty profiles of the freaks that constitute the passengers. Our other idea was �IsThisNormal?.com� where we would invite people to send in pictures of body parts which they weren�t sure about and we could put it to the public vote.

�It was dark as I drove the point home�and on cold leather seats well it suddenly struck me�I might just die with a smile on my face after all��

As unseemly as it is to beg, I�m feeling like three types of poop and I really need someone to come over here and make me soup and mop my fevered brow and basically just cater to my every whim for the weekend. Please form an orderly queue.

Also, since no-one here has yet invited me to New Years Eve Party, I�m throwing it open to international applications � I have a free plane ticket anywhere in the world, a working knowledge of Duty Free shops and can easily organise hotel accommodation so don�t be shy.

�I�ve seen this happen�in other people�s lives, and now, now, now�it�s happening in mine��

Today it�s The Smiths. Or in Spanish, Los Esmiths. Or, in Japanese, Smizu. Look, what's your problem? Eh?

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