2001-11-11 - 3:05 p.m.

�He bear her off, he bear her down, he bear her into an orchard ground, lu li lu lay lu li lu lay, the falcon hath bourne my maid away�

Three facts I learned before breakfast today:

In 1968, the 20th most commonly used word in the German language was �Germany�. (Jeez. Get over yourselves. Ich bein ein egoist, or what?)

That west coast bastion of sanity Brian Wilson was once so completely off his mash at a party that he tried to make a pass at one of his own daughters. (I Wish They All Could Be Californian Girls�Genetically Related To Me)

Surveying the meagre contents of my wallet, it is apparently possible to go out to certain bars in London with sizeable amounts of money and still not get drunk enough to dance to, say, a handbag house remix of �Material Girl� (yes I need to reconsider spending my Saturday nights with large groups of gay men) because the drinks cost around the same as a small family car, insurance and alloy wheels included.

Of course, it looks kind of cheap to offer to buy a round and then retract once you find out that the money needed to pay the bill could have been better used to wipe out the national debt of a minor South American republic. I also had the ignominy of arguing with the waitress, honestly thinking I�d given her a twenty and then graciously backing down when she painstakingly showed me all the notes in the till, with twenties being conspicuous by their absence. I sincerely apologised, which she seemed to accept, though it definitely took me longer to get served from then on.

Anyway, it was a cosy night spent with my ex girlfriend and her new boyfriend, a best friend who now violently hates me for little or no apparent reason and forty men whose twentieth most commonly used word is �Kylie Minogue�. Why is the cost of alcohol directly proportional to the immediate necessity of hurriedly consuming huge barrel-loads?

�And in that orchard there was a hold, that was hanged with purple and gold, and in that hold there was a bed, and it was hanged with gold so red�

I wish I was clever enough to be a nihilist. I kind of believe that life doesn�t really have much in the way of meaning, but I lack the intellectual um, thingy (you see?) to back it up. I�m sure attaching yourself to a coherent philosophy means you get more out of mundane, everyday experiences plus, I�m pretty certain, increased opportunities for casual sex.

�By his bedside standeth a stone, corpus christi written thereon��

Today�s special guest, with a nod to the composer, natch.

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