2001-11-02 - 3:00 p.m.

�I don�t advise a haircut, man. All hairdressers are in the employment of the governement. Hairs are your aerials. They pick up signals from the cosmos and transmit them directly into the brain. This is the reason bald men are so uptight.�

So apparently there are no good films coming out between now and Christmas. Anything approaching good quality has pulled out until after New Year, thanks to the imminent screening of the bespectacled wizardry of Harry Potter and the hobbit-bothering guff of Lord of the Rings. I hate to sound like a bad stand up comic, but Harry Potter � what�s with THAT? OK, not too offensive tale about a specky nerd who can pull off the odd trick, but honestly, there are HORDES of GROWN ADULTS reading this shit on the tube. I swear I�m not being a lit snob, and OK, Bridget Jones, I�ll look the other way, at least its aimed at you, but Harry Codding Potter? Do me a por favor. They�re flying off the shelves faster than you can say �regressive reading habits�. And it�s one step away from turning into one of those middle aged men who pays to roll around in a playpen soiling their nappies, or, if you will, diapers. JK Rowling must be drinking champagne fermented from �50 notes. And if I could only get back the hours I sacrificed to reading Middle-Earth yawn fest Lord of the Rings. I could have done something SO much more fulfilling, like learning Serbo-Croat or flicking through the �shower fittings� section of my mum�s mail order catalogue.

So in the UK, �Harry Potter and the Philosopher�s Stone�. In the US, �Harry Potter and the Sorcerer�s Stone�. Has marketing become so deadly accurate that they figure more children in the US will see a film with one word in the title over another? Is the word �philosopher� considered too intellectually demanding? I�m assuming a philosopher�s stone and a sorcerer�s stone amount to much the same thing � some dusty old rock covered in runes � so what�s the difference? This is an oft-repeated tale, but the film �The Madness of King George III� was changed in the US to �The Madness of King George� because the marketing people thought Americans would assume they�d missed the first two. Go back to bed, America, your marketing execs are in control�

I like the story of Alan Bennett, the softly spoken but genius writer of �TMoKG III�. Turning up late to the US premier in New York, the film is about to start as he arrives and he is forced to jump into a seat near the back. Just before it begins, they announce �And with us tonight, we�re very privileged to have with us�Alan Bennett!� The spotlight hits his empty VIP seat, where he isn�t, and then starts roaming around the audience, trying to pick him out. He stands up to make himself known, and some big film exec behind him shouts �Sit down asshole! We�re trying to see the writer!� I think you have to know him to appreciate how funny this would be.

�If the Crow and Cunt ever had life, it was dead now. It was like walking into a lung. A sulphur-stained nicotine yellow and fly brown lung. Its landlord was a retired alcoholic with military pretensions and the complexion like the inside of a tea pot.�

Everything�s FINE! The ongoing section that fights for enduring freedom without the need for a separate conditioner�

I thoroughly approve of the new tactic of carpet bombing. Annihilating their quality floor coverings will be a major blow to the Taliban, especially with winter coming up. All those cold, bare cave floors. I say we start employing rug mines next.

�Don�t let your imagination run away with you.� �Imagination? I�ve just finished fighting a naked man! And how DARE you tell him I�m a toilet trader!� �It was tactical necessity.�

Today�s booze-ridden jobbing actors

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