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2001-11-01 - 4:49 p.m.

�I got your phone number, baby�I'll call you sometime�I think I might, be out tonight�Maybe give you a ride�

I feel I now have negative equity in the career prospects stakes, as I�m rather annoyingly even getting knocked back from the employment agencies that I oh so nonchalantly deigned to grace with my 40 words a minute copy typing skillz and working knowledge of Microsoft Excel. If only that na�ve, bright-eyed dreamer who arrived in London some six years ago could have seen what he�d become; a jaded hack who�d sell body and soul for a couple of shifts refilling photocopier toner or being a mailroom anthrax tester in a major media conglomerate. He�d turn around right now, and go back to his small home town, marry his highschool sweetheart and carve out a career to see him into his dotage, perhaps selling crack to homeless teenagers, or extorting money with menaces from local tradesmen. Who knows what might have been?

The relationship between job-needer and employment consultant is much the same as with journalists and PR people, and political leaders attending a peace summit. They know you�re lying to them. You know they�re lying to you. But you can�t question the illusion for a second or it comes crashing down around you. Talk fast and keep smiling. It�s the only way.

�Baby, you don't know, Just how I lie awake�And dream awhile, about your smile and the way you make yo ass shake�If that ain't love, I guess I'll never know��

The Ninja Bride has bafflingly chosen not to take me up on my offer of continuing the no-strings sexual adventure begun two years ago, preferring instead, bizarrely enough, to return to the Ninja from whence she came. Just because he got seven dans kicked out of him at the weekend. I�ve decided to defer with grace and dignity (I�m sure he�d still pulverise me, even with both legs in traction), which I�m putting down to a matter of tactical necessity, though there was also the matter of her dog, which used to watch us having sex intently. I mean, intently watch us having sex. If there�s one thing I�ve never felt the need for, it�s the presence of a live animal in the room. I�m happy enough saying my thirteen times table or thinking about members of the Conservative Party, believe me.

The thing about NB was: older woman. There was an education in a girl like her. I�m not saying that that�s necessarily to do with age, but if you�re going to have meaningless sex, I think it should at least be able to take something from it, and I don�t mean anything that requires a tube marked �external use only�. People (you know who you are) have informed me that anyone indulging in only the straightest of straight sex are known as �Vanilla�. Vanilla is normal. It�s the family saloon, it�s the romantic comedy summer blockbuster, it�s Celine Dion, it�s the jar of pureed monkey glands being returned to the shelf by an embarrassed mother of two after she�d accidentally picked it up instead of gherkins. You know? But I�m just interested in what the grading system is. What are the opposite end of the scale people called? The people who need to be sucking live frogs from the mouths of cross-dressing Siamese twins to even be close to getting in the mood? (After some remedial research, If it gets more hardcore than Apotemnophilia (arousal through self-amputation) , I don�t really want to know.)

What about if you�re just a little bit, or quite, or fairly adventurous? The lattes? The mochachinos? The cappuccino of the day with chocolate sprinkles? I don�t want to let you all in on more than you want to know, but out of curiosity alone, I would want to try most things. I mean, I�d probably draw the line at being bum-poked by a gang of cucumber-wielding Mexican dwarves, but I wouldn�t be happy with a vanilla status. It�s the Lloyd-Webber musical, it�s the Spielberg ending, it�s my friend who won�t go abroad �because he knows he won�t like it�. And that just doesn�t cut it.

Of course�you need a date first.

�I wanna getcha high, I wanna get next to you, I wanna feel everything aboutcha, girl, I wanna feel good, You make me feel good��

Today�s cold shower candidates

If you like this, you�ll no doubt hate my alter-ego. The Detective. New episode online NOW. (click link below)

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