2001-10-18 - 5:36 p.m.

"�I always get the feeling that when lesbians are looking at me they�re thinking 'That�s why I�m not a heterosexual'

So it seems that free bar man got us a distribution deal.

Dog my fucking cats.

I�m learning that in the film business (hahaha, I sound like I�m actually in it, rather than the cinematic pondlife that I actually am), the more disinterested and moronic a person seems, the more important they probably are.

Who would o� thunk it?

So our film would show in front of the main feature. All over London. But here�s the sodding, arsing, bollocking kicker. We haven�t got the money to upgrade the film to cinema standard, which the distributors are, rather annoyingly, insisting on. It�s �four gees� according to our director, to whom words like �thousand� are apparently no longer hip enough.

So that is, as they say, that.

But it was nice to be asked, and I�m in no way bitter to be buttock-clenchingly narrowly missing out on a life in film � power breakfasts with Gwyneth Paltrow, bathing daily in the finest Cuban cigars and snorting the purest spring water in the bathrooms of posh nob restaurants.

In a subsidiary development, though, I may get to have an agent. This doesn�t really appeal to me for reasons other than I get to shout down the phone �I don�t care what it takes, just get me into that meeting!� and �Well kiss ten percent of the arses for me then!� and slam the phone down and do some flouncing around.

�I feel like my old self again... Totally inadequate, completely insecure, paranoid, neurotic... It's a pleasure.�

At lunch with the director:

�Pablo, baby. If this fucker comes in we�ll be brushing away the totty with big sticks, dude. How much do I owe you for the coffee, man?�

�Um, nought point nought nought one gees.�

�I wish there were pig men. You get a few of these pig men walking around and suddenly I'm looking a whole lot better. Then if somebody wants to fix me up at least they could say, "Hey he's no pig-man."

Today�s bald neurotic