2001-10-15 - 2:31 p.m.

�See I�can only take it out on you�there�s no-one else, else around�you hide these things so well, there�s no finding��

I�m not against the use of Class A narcotics per se, but having some ecstasy-addled punter repeatedly invade your personal space during an otherwise awe-inspiring hour and a half of musical genius really gets on my tit end. It�s a concert � you�re meant to be attentively hanging on every nuance of the arrangement�not�enjoying yourself. Besides, it�s Tindersticks covering Leonard Cohen � a time for getting lost in the dramatic orchestral melancholy, not waving your hands in the air like you just don�t care. That said, the boys were, pardon my Swahili, total fucking godhead.

I wish I didn�t get mad about antisocial behaviour during public performances, but having to watch Ewan MacGregor howl his way through �Moulin Rouge� was bad enough without some arseburger in front of me sending text messages when I should be mentally filing the racier shots of Nicole Kidman. By the codding way, how is this guy so famous? Name one good film he�s been in since �Trainspotting�. �A Life Less Ordinary?� �The Phantom Menace�? I�d rather French kiss a skunk than sit through those again. �Ah, you�re just jealous, Pablo�. You�re so right.

�And the pink�runs�into the blue�if there�s ever anyone else�I�ll understand�and kill them�and I�ll overflow your every inlet�you will not cough and spit�you�ll welcome me in��

I�ve spent a matter of minutes studying those Osama Bin Laden tapes for secret messages, and I can now exclusively reveal his intricately coded instructions to his army of followers:

�Could someone swing by my house and change the cat litter?�

�If you�re up around our secret network of underground caves in the next few weeks, could you bring some Doritos and salsa dip because watching Dharma and Greg on video just isn�t the same without snacks.�

�After successfully flaying the imperial pigdog infidels, could someone remind me I still have dry cleaning to collect?�

Also, if you watch the tapes wearing 3D glasses, his camouflaged jacket actually shows a drawing of George W giving Tony Blair a big soppy kiss with the slogan �Big Western Gaylords� underneath it.

�And I tell you�with my tongue�between your toes�if there�s ever anyone else�don�t let them do this�you hide these things so well�there�s no finding�no finding��

Today�s special guests