2001-10-10 - 2:53 p.m.

�I hate patriotism. Can�t fucking stand it. People ask me if I�m proud to be an American. Well, I didn�t have a lot to do with it, you know. My parents fucked there, but that�s about all.�

�Why are you still single?� You have to love some friends for their unabashed directness. It wasn�t asked in a �I can�t believe someone like you isn�t being propositioned left right and centre� kind of way, more of a suspicious �you must have some really weird sexual habits that put people right off� kind of way. I hadn�t really thought about it. �Um, I can�t find anyone into pureed monkey glands the same way I am?� This facetiousness provoked resolute disinterest. �What about that psycho girl that was in love with you last year?� �Well, I think you just answered your own question.� �But you can�t be too picky. You�ll end up on your own.� �I think there�s a difference between being picky and, er, choosing not to date psychotics.� �She had really nice hair.� �Yes, I�m sure that�s what the guys in forensics would say as they picked them off my butchered corpse.� �You see? Saying stuff like that doesn�t impress girls. Don�t you ever want kids ?� Sometimes, don�t you just want the last thirty seconds of your life back?

Lack of work is getting silly. I�ll make a CD for the first person to come up with a feasible travel story idea that I could pitch to an editor. They want quirky, and away from war zones. The bad part is I could end up in your town, but hey, who said life was fair?

�I watch all these congressional hearings, all the military guys are like �we are so moral�� Excuse me, but aren�t you all just hired killers? SHUT UP! You are thugs! When we need you to go blow the fuck out of a nation of little brown people, we�ll let you know!�

So the troops in Korea got Marilyn � sadly for Our Boys (� all tabloid newspapers) on active duty, they get Geri Halliwell and, erm, Steps. Not quite the same iconic resonance, but, hey, stars ain�t what they used to be. What amazed me watching �highlights� on the news were the staging facilities. They�re in the middle of the fucking desert and it looks like Madison Square Gardens! Is there some special division of the military responsible for setting up huge amphitheatres with state of the art light shows and sound systems in inhospitable terrain? �Name and rank, soldier?� �Private Smeg, sir, Airborne Roadie Division.� In any case, Geri�s bikini briefs seemed to be doing wonders for the esprit de corps - not sure the pastel jumpsuits of the guys from Steps had the same effect but you never know. They always seem to send out these fluffy pop groups � what I�d like to see is someone totally miserable, like laughing boy Nick Cave, or �Gentlemen, please put your hands together and secure your safety catches for�.RADIOHEAD!� T�h�om would get about half way through �Climbing Up The Walls� before everyone suddenly volunteered to parachute behind enemy lines. Come to think of it, they�ve only been there about 4 days � hardly the strenuous tour of duty that deserves such elaborate entertainment. Some join the army for patriotism, some to forget. Me? I�d sign up for the gigs.

�Your beliefs are nothing. They�re just how you were taught and raised. They�re just that. That�s why I always recommend the psychedelic experience, because it makes you realise that everything you learned is in fact JUST learned and not necessarily true. Um�there�s dick jokes on the way, please relax��

I can�t stop listening to today�s special guest