2001-10-08 - 12:27 a.m.

4 hours in and I still haven�t noticed much wartime spirit. I thought it was meant to be all mucking in together, sharing rations of powdered egg and being liberal with sexual favours during the blackouts. All I�ve noticed is Ally McBeal being pushed back and cutting into proper programmes because of an extended news, though you could argue that this alone constitutes conditions contrary to the Geneva convention. Much more mistakenly switching over onto soporific legal hi-jinx and the International Coalition will surely crack.

Commercial break: Coming up on Taliban TV, it�s Allah McBeal! Allah�s longer and longer skirts are causing comment around the unisex Al Qu�aida toilets, and hearing George has two-timed her, she declares holy war after one too many Martini�s in the bar after training. Music by Vonda bin Laden.

So it�s rumoured in Washington that George W Bush has been pronouncing himself � a conduit for God�s will�. Way to distance yourself from the mindset of the psychotic fundamentalists there, George! If there�s one thing I look for in a leader, it�s someone who believes himself to be a mouthpiece for a non-existent deity. Go back to bed, America, your government is in control.

Commercial break: Come to Tony�s for the best subs in town! Order from his great selection or create one to your own specifications! You won�t be disappointed! Eat in, take away or simply deploy in your favourite middle-east strategic stronghold! And the secret ingredient? Plutonium! Just like Mama Thatcher used to make! We even deliver direct to civilian accommodation and medical supply factories! You�ve tried the rest, now try the best!

Here at the PK bunker, I�m at least holed up with the essentials � three quarter�s full bottle of duty free Kahlua and 40 menthol Thai cigarettes. I even cleaned my duvet in preparation for the worst (surprise war-prompted parental visit). I broke my compulsive news viewing (news reporters looking at pictures of dim green lights on the horizon of somewhere, saying things may or may not be happening, but they weren�t prepared to say for sure) to watch The Usual Suspects and I hate to fixate on film comparisons but would anyone place bets against us ever hearing the phrase �There WAS no Osama Bin Laden!�?