2001-10-05 - 5:10 p.m.

�I�d work very hard, but I�m lazy, I can�t take the pressure and it�s starting to show��

Day fifteen of unemployment. Sleeping patterns completely askew? Check. Sporadic incidents of talking to inanimate objects? Check. Eccentric dietary habits? Check. Disproportionate attention given to immediate physical surroundings? Check. Apparently the phrase is �Hungunder� � �feeling bored, grumpy and tediously well-rested due to lack of social excess.�

Things in my bedroom which have no foreseeable use, but which I insist on keeping anyway:

-4ft by 3ft chipboard onion costume

-blue canvas hammock

-handpainted Japanese fighting kite

-yamaha drum machine, considered high tech in 1982

-heavy-duty stapler

-prototypical electric typewriter

-pack of condoms (hmmn)

I may devote day sixteen to constructing an imaginatively deviant scenario involving all of the above.

Well, it beats daytime TV.

I think it�s the solitude of unemployment that�s the worst. Of course, everyone else I know has pressing employment commitments of varying degrees of impressiveness. And of course you have no money, unless you were given the financial boost of a golden handshake (my lay off was more of a golden shower), so you can�t even pay to go places where there are other people or pay for the kind of company that rents itself out. Not that I would, natch. I�m just saying. But company would open up a whole new world � shameless daytime drinking, indulging in heavy petting, taking photos of them wearing a chipboard onion costume. You�d never have to look for work again.

�I�ve got a guitar and a lover who pays me�if I can�t be a star I won�t get out of bed��

So the latest with My Little Tony is that he�s on a tour around the countries around the borders of Afghanistan on a �diplomatic mission�. I�m assuming this means begging countries that FUCKING HATE us for use of their military installations for the all-singing, all-bombing International Coalition.

But wait a minute? International Coalition! Northern Alliance! Al Qu�Aida network! It�s all sounding a bit Star Wars isn�t it? George Dubya is Obi �Wanker� Nobi - very powerful but kind of hard to believe by looking at him. Tony Blair could be Luke Skywalker � dashing young upstart desperately wanting to join the elite ranks but na�ve and always fucking up. We also have Lando Calrissian (Colin Powell), Han Solo (Donald Rumsfeld) and Admiral Akbar (Yassar Arafat). And of course Osama Bin Toparadisebuti�veneverbeentome � The Phantom Menace.

�Waking up and getting up has never been easy�ooh, ooh�.make a cup of tea, put a record on��

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