2001-10-04 - 6:06 p.m.

Who says our celebrities don�t care? Above and beyond the expected sacrifices our celebrities have made since September 11th, like appearing on more TV shows, we here at the PK offices have learned of the following acts of kindness that the stars are generously resorting to, now that no-one cares about their trivial, empty, self-obsessed lives any more:

Elton John has offered his vast personal toupee collection. �Hair loss is the forgotten side-effect of the trauma of terrorism, and not everyone can afford to look younger with the kind of dignity that I�ve been able to muster, thanks to my fabulous wealth.�

Gwyneth Paltrow has agreed to whimper on demand, should any TV station need urgent pictures of someone famous looking distressed. �I don�t care if it�s a quivering lip or full blown sobbing,� she magnanimously announced.

Hugh Grant will denounce his British citizenship and become a permanent resident of Los Angeles. �It�s not about the cheaper taxes, soothingly vacuous social life or readily available prostitutes who�ll blow me in my car � it�s about putting money back into an economy that so badly needs it.�

Jennifer Lopez is to immediately divorce new husband Chris Judd and date all surviving members of the New York Fire Department on a weekly rotational basis.

Michael Jackson has already had state of the art plastic surgery, so that his skin tone resembles the Stars and Stripes if viewed from certain angles. He is also amassing a huge personal army of highly trained chimps, though what they are trained in has yet to be ascertained.

Tom Hanks will work voluntarily as an air steward in a bid to kick-start the ailing airline industry. �I just need a refresher course in how those life vests work because no-one ever really pays attention to that bit, do they?� It�s thought that elderly passengers in particular will be calmed by the thought of an Academy Award winner handing out the mixed nuts.

Britney Spears will sacrifice her virginity before her wedding night as a show of moral solidarity with normal human beings. Her broken hymen will be surgically preserved and placed in the National Museum.

And finally, Victoria �Posh Spice� Beckham will take up a life of hermetic purity, contemplating the futility and transience of human existence, the utter vacuum of spiritual and emotional importance surrounding her life and emerge several years later in a zen like trance of oneness with the universe, only to suddenly find she can�t live without the free Gucci and disappear in a puff of her own philosphical contradictions.

Or something.

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