2001-10-25 - 11:38 p.m.

Having a midweek bout of unsettled discomfort at my discernable lack of marketable skills, I took a brief tube ride out around central London to see what kind of methods the local gentry were employing to earn an honest crust. The following options jumped out at me, like a crazy new-career-based jack-in-a-box:

1.Dousing yourself from head to toe in grey metallic paint and standing behind a box, making sudden movements when an unsuspecting child drops a coin into the box, causing child to visibly flinch, with possibly some remedial incontinence. Pros: Grey paint acts as disguise, passing friends remain unaware. Cons: Probably takes 4 years of drama school. Statue-like appearance hard to maintain when street urchin makes off with your box of money. You look like a cunt.

2.Hanging around the outside of tube stations, shiftily asking people if they�ve finished with their travelcards, and showing disproportionate amounts of aggression to those who haven�t, actually. Selling successfully purloined travelcards on to unsuspecting punters for miniscule profit. Pros: No initial outlay. Meeting the public. Benefits include, er, free travelcards. Cons: The tube-using public are, in general, depressive, psychotic mutants. I don�t want to go into sales. In a few weeks the tube will be no more than a festering labyrinth of chemical warfare and dead babies. You look like a cunt.

3.Basic begging. Claiming to want the money for food, then actually just spending it on large bottles of offensively cheap cider strong enough to strip paint, and quickly pocketing the profit. Pros: Alcohol is a socially acceptable drug. Drunkenness helps with denial about lack of prospects, money, human respect, etc. Cons: Quickly pocketed profit tends to spill out into street after large bottle of offensively cheap cider strong enough to strip paint.

4.Playing jaunty folk songs along the tube carriages on a suspiciously expensive looking accordion whilst cheeky sidekick waves a coin-ridden cap around suggestively. Pros: You get to have a cheeky sidekick. Basking in the golden glow that you�re giving the gift of music. Cons: Complete lack of musical ability. Complete lack of accordion. Seems only to work for small Romanian children. That whole festering chemical warfare thing again.

5.Walking up and down a main thoroughfare with an empty petrol can, asking passers-by to help you out as you�ve lost your wallet and you only need a quid, and your terminally ill, blind, pregnant girlfriend is stuck in the car and needs to get to a hospital straight away. Pros: Petrol can points to ownership of car, and people respect material wealth, and are therefore more likely to trust you! Genius! Also, relief of not actually having a terminally ill, blind, pregnant girlfriend that needs to get to hospital. Cons: Constant knowledge that everyone you ask knows immediately that you�re lying. Central Londoners hate anyone with a car. You look like a cunt.

Excellent. The job market opens up in front of me like a big, black grave with no career prospects at the bottom.