2001-10-21 - 2:15 p.m.

�Funny old world��

�Funny old world?! Dog my cats!�

�Dog my cats indeed.�

OK, so I mistakenly sent out a newsletter to several thousand people with what was supposed to be reassuring closing sentiment that quoted the ancient Chinese proverb, �May you live in interesting times�. According to some of the recipients who obviously have way too much time on their hands, this I meant to be a CURSE! What kind of curse is THAT?! I thought curses were more along the lines of �May your head fall from your shoulders at an important social function, possibly involving black tie, and your bodily appendages be inconveniently replaced with amusingly shaped root vegetables.� Those crazy ancient Chinese.

Anyway, I�m assured that this oversight had nothing to do with me being informed of my being surplus to requirements, with immediate effect, could you clear your desk please.

Ah, hello unemployment my old friend.

If anyone has any suggestions as to what a newly freed-up late(ahem)-twenty something with no ties should do with his life, please feel free to share.

I�ve already ruled out being an internationally successful DJ. I�ve actually attempted it myself on slightly less than 2 occasions. During my be-quiffed obsessive days as a Smiths fan, I ran a Smiths disco at my college. Yeah, they were crazy times, maaaaan. Ill-fitting shirts, pints of cider and black and all the daffodils you could eat. It was all going along in a suitably semi-morose, ironic fashion until I played �Pregnant for the Last Time�, at which point one of the more influential indie kids stormed out noisily with his cohorts, incredulous that I could taint the musical purity with a track from Morrissey�s solo career (�What is the POINT of doing a Smith�s night if you�re just going to play that SHIT?!�. I quickly tried some emergency fancy cross-fading to segue back into �How Soon Is Now�, but the night was already ruined, my quiff visibly wilting as I stood there, a victim of my own impetuosity.

�A fellow once said that we must never forget that we are human, and as humans we must dream, and when we dream, we dream of money.�

Ministerial relief offered by classy brunette. Especially sensitive to first timers. Let me gently �massage� your �rhetoric�. Extras include manual (take full control of my arms), oral (nice line in lip service), and the �Presidential Special� (I�m ready, willing and eager to help you form those saucy international coalitions). Call me now, big boy - I�m very experienced. Just ask for Tony. How can you resist, with recommendations like this: �I went for the Under the Counter Quickie, and was fully satisfied by getting my hands on Tony�s huge arsenal � there�s nothing he won�t do for money!� - Mr A Terrorist, Indonesia. Calls terminate in London.

�I�m afraid you�re going to have to spend some time in your room.�

Today�s special guest