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2001-09-18 - 2:26 p.m.

Brothers and sisters, I beseech you. The time for unity is upon us. We must come together to face a new danger, rearing its ugly head from the ruins and the suffering. It comes in the shape of a band of desperados, who will join under the command of a maverick leader. A recluse about whom little is known, living a mysterious life in the hills, but known for his unpredictable behaviour and, though once respected, his many recent atrocities. As the world holds its breath, its worst fears may already have been confirmed � plans for the Michael Jackson charity single have been made public:

An incredulous public watched in horror today as the first lyric hit unsuspecting entertainment columns everywhere (�Brother to brother, lay down our fears and reach out and make a pact�) � initial theories thought it could just be a tragic accident, but it was quickly followed by a second line (�Showing the love that is in our hearts, let us bring salvation back.�), confirmation of our worst possible nightmares. A third rhyming couplet, possibly including the words �towers� and �flowers� was being closely monitored. Recording studios everywhere are on code red alert, with known suspects such as Britney Spears and Destiny�s Child being checked at key entrance points for concealed sentimental irritants. Said one eye witness: My thoughts are just with the brave studio technicians and sound recordists, who will be subject to so much suffering by just doing their jobs�. Reports that the record buying public have asked for Jackson to be handed over are as yet unconfirmed. Recording artists worldwide have appealed for calm, asking people not to condemn them for the actions of a small group of psychotic loners.

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