2001-09-04 - 10:03 p.m.

�Do you think that when David Icke says lizards he means Jews?� I asked. �Of course�, he (from the ADL) said. �What is a lizard? It is a pile of rubbish�this is vile language. Vile bullshit. I�m totally culturally shocked.�

I was recently lucky enough to be in the vicinity of someone talking about the intense desire they always have to read whilst defecating. They claimed that once they got around to dropping friends off at the pool, they just had to grab anything that came to hand � junk mail, backs of shampoo bottles, edited highlights of the Treaty of Versailles, etc. Now without wanting to get too scatological on you, I too feel this need to focus my attention on the written word at such times. Strange? Well, my theory is this: when we were monkeys, doing our business constituted the most vulnerable time � any arthritic old predator could come along and snap us right up, so our awareness levels are at a heightened state. This has been passed down through the genes, and since modern bathrooms hold no greater threat than bright, revealing mirrors and bad aftershave, we have this awareness surplus, and hence the rabid search for handy literature. Quod erat demonstrandum, as they say in my local boozer.

Two suits on the tube:

Suit 1: Can we rely on his integrity?

Suit 2: Oh yes, he�s completely, um, integral.

But wait, what IS the adjective for integrity?

�Every individual accused of reptilian paedophilia by David Icke has so far failed to sue. Bob Hope, George Bush, George Bush Jr, Ted Heath, Boxcar Willie, The Queen, The Queen Mother, Prince Philip, Kris Kristofferson, Al Gore and the steering committee of the Bilberberg Group.�

Whilst we�re getting all biological, I was reminded yesterday of the great phrases that you use as a (very young) (British) child to describe genitalia, etc. Top of the list has to be �front bottom� (there was great playground debate as to whether whatever girls had � or moreover what they DIDN�T have - constituted a front bottom or a lack of one). The rear equivalent was, natch, �back bottom�. Breasts, which we knew were rude but were unsure why, were �busters�. It strikes me that I�m really quite afraid to chart the lack of progress made in my amassed knowledge of the female anatomy in those intervening years. If only it were all that simple.

Integrious? Integrigial? Integritious?

�Why do you think that is?� David Icke asked me. �Sue me! I�m naming names! Why are they refusing to sue me?� There was a silence. �Because they are twelve foot lizards?� I suggested, smally. �Yes!� said David. �Exactly!�

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