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2001-08-28 - 3:13 p.m.

�You and I�together since the day that we first met. The road can get cold way before it ends��

So back to an all-new, jetlag-driven reality as climbing to the top of harbour bridge, being driven around Sydney in a converted hearse and disconcertingly being given control of a real live yacht dissolve into Emu Lager-tinged memories. I liked Australia even though everyone there is (or at least, looks) disturbingly healthy. When you say you�re from England, they regard you with a certain amount of pity, realising the awful weather / food / surfing opportunities you have to endure. I was taken out for dinner a by some disproportionately important people. The PR wombats were under the pitiful delusion that I was of some journalistic standing and had over-egged my cake, so to speak. Eating sushi whilst obviously faking knowledge of the international restaurant scene with, erm, an international restaurateur wasn�t the most comfortable couple of hours I�ve ever spent, as wasn�t meeting with the organiser of the gay Olympics, because as we know, my knowledge of organising pan-global sporting events is second only to just about everyone else on the planet. Still, a free meal is a free meal, and once they realise I�m just a clueless hack blagging for all he�s worth, they tend to want to wrap things up pretty quickly. Oh, and I ate kangaroo as a direct act of retribution for having to get up at 5am to take pictures of the pouched idiots hopping about the outback.

�And at night, sometimes I don�t feel anything more than a heartbeat, even when you�re lying next to me��

Once again the flight home was enhanced by the knockout halitosis of a corpulent neighbour. I�m not saying this guy was scary, but whenever he made surprisingly nosy smalltalk in his germanic drawl (his opening gambit: �So you are in zee hi-tech business, yes?�) or excused himself as he reached over for another fistful of bread rolls, you couldn�t help but think �nazi war criminal on his way to a country with no extradition agreement�. I almost considered watching �Crocodile Dundee in LA� to avoid his rampant probing (�So vot exactly WAS your business in Sydney?�) but luckily the three after dinner liqueurs he downed took effect and I merely had to endure the gentle sounds of his slumber. Gentle as in the way industrial digging vehicles downshifting on the motorway are gentle. My fear of flying only exists in a social sense.

�What�ll you do when it all falls down�love is a wheel you gotta turn it around��

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