2000-11-18 - 1:51 a.m.

"Mariah Carey was hospitalized for 'exhaustion,' but everyone knows what that really means: a quart of cum in her stomach"

Hahaha. "What Do You Think?" is my favourite bit of The Onion.

Is that story actually true for anyone? I heard it was Marc "that's quite a thirst you've got there young man" Almond, but a lot of people disagree and say it was Mick Jagger, or Liza Minelli, or the Pope.

I saw Quokkas (Quokka? Quokki?) and they were just like these big rats with pouch arrangements at the front. Apparently once the young leave the pouch they can't go back in (a bit like leaving home) - watching those furry little tykes try sure was funny though. You've got to love dog size rodents.

It's my last day/night in Perth and to mark the occassion in a suitably random fashion, the kitchen staff at The Holiday Inn (where I'm not even staying any more) are taking me out on the town. That's pretty much the life of a travel writer - relying on low-level hotel workers to arrange your social life. Other revelations of this glamorous trade include: You spend a lot of time on buses with people over 70. You always get hassled at immigration because they see "journalist" and think "wants to start a revolutionary undergound publication that will end in a bloody military coup". You spend too many nights eating overpriced room service and watching "Miss Congeniality" on the in-hotel movie channel. So it's not ALL sexy jetsetting and international soap nymphettes, let me tell you.

Today I was excitedly shown buildings which were 120 years old. Once I realised that's about the same age as, say, my grandma's house, I had to feign my own death in an elaborate attempt to escape more coerced historical wonderment.

Get me to a capital city, quick.